It's not fair that I'm working so hard. It's not fair that as each day passes, I feel the walls inching toward me, closing me in. There are limitations everywhere. There are so many things I would love to do, so many things I know I am more than capable of doing or becoming. I set myself to a very high standard, something that only those that are closest to me truly understand. I've been known to set goals for myself that are not obvious or easily achievable. I like to be challenged and I like working hard to overcome these challenges. As I spoke to a couple of my friends, I realized that sometimes I throw myself in a situation that might not completely make sense, something that will not come easily to me, something that might seem to be just outside of my capabilities at the time. But so far, through this pattern of challenging myself and working really hard to fulfill my potential, I feel like I've expanded my overall knowledge and understanding of the world. It has also really helped me grow as a person, pretty intensely within the past two years.
I feel like the past three years, I've lived a life in a protective asylum. I am where I am today because people believed in me, regardless of my situation. It doesn't matter what I am. It doesn't matter what I am labeled. It doesn't matter where I came from. It doesn't matter how much money my family has. All that matters is who I am, my will and determination to succeed, my personality, my spirit, my faith, and who I am as a person.
But now, with this stage of my life quickly hurtling to an end, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at everything. Once again, here I am, still in the same position, looking for answers, looking for a way out. There is a way out, but that is the way I refuse to go. My heart pains to think of that option. Once again, I feel like I need to prove myself, to make myself "bullet-proof," in the words of my mentor, so that people would be so drawn to me that they would be willing to make exceptions to the rule, that they would be willing to take a risk and invest in me. This is my biggest limitation, and though I don't worry about this very often, when I do, it is very overwhelming, extremely frustrating, and honestly discouraging.
Thoughts come to me like rushing water, and when ignored, I could easily find myself struggling to stay afloat. What's worse is when there is not just one source of rushing water but multiple. When multiple things are on my mind, each with their own stream of thought, it quickly gets to the point where I'm being tossed around from one thought to the next, not really knowing how to deal with each one and not really being able to focus on any single one. So instead of trying to get back on my feet and handle the situation, for a moment in time, there I am, tossed here and there in a quick succession of incomplete questions, sentences, thoughts, images, etc. Sometimes, as I did just now, I just have to allow myself to break down, cry, write, vent, and talk it out. And once I do, exhausted as I am, a spirit of peace washes over me and a calming stillness overtakes my heart.
Do I know what will happen? Nope. Am I worried? It's there in the back of my head. Did any of this help solve my situation at all? Probably not. But as with some things, it's not necessarily the destination but the journey that matters. My journey is not yet over. I don't know to what end this is all heading, but for the moment, I really should attend to other more pressing matters (such as outlining chapters for developmental biology). Perseverance is the key, I guess. Whatever life throws my way, I know the prayers of my mother and those who love and care for me form an invisible shield of protection, that no matter what happens, I will make it through just fine.
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