Lovers and/or Friends?

Where is the defining boundary?  Sometimes, the line in between seems to blur and you're left wondering, "What is this feeling?"  Is it simply confusing the warmth of friendship and deep admiration for possible romantic feelings.  When do friends become lovers, and when is it "safe" to even consider making a bold move?

What if there really is something there?

Looking back at 2009

I remembered making a list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2009, and since that year has now come and gone, it's time to look back and review this list.  (I might even add a little description to some of them...)

The ones in blue are things I didn't quite get to this year... Aaaand GO!

1.  Find someone who will absolutely blow me away.  There were quite a few people this year that "blew me away," so to speak, but I meant this in more of a romantic sense.  True, I didn't exactly meet "someone" new, but I'm not sad about it.  I've thought about it, and I'm actually pretty happy being single right now.  I'm able to focus, I don't have anyone who keeps tabs on me 24/7, and I'm enjoying my life, no strings attached!  Maybe this was God's plan for me, for 2009 to be a year of self-discovery and self-reflection, which it definitely was.  My theory is, I don't need to look for the right person for me.  God knows where I am, and in His time, in His way, God will cause our paths to cross.

2.  Drink more water.

3.  Exercise more often.

4.  Surprise Trix for her birthday.

5.  Send Trix care packages every other month.

6.  Buy Trix a laptop and a laptop case, with programs fully installed.

7.  Meet at least 10 new people. It was a year of meeting people, actually.  I've met quite a few fresh faces and even amongst the familiar faces, I've become good friends with some of them who I never really talked to before.

8.  Feed the homeless.

9.  Make someone's day.

10. Smile at someone who needs it.

11. Hug someone who needs it.

12. Read a good book.

13. Appreciate life.  This past year, in October, instead of waiting for my birthday at the end of the month and making it "my month," I decided to really take the time to appreciate those around me, to reflect on their influence on my life and to see all the good, the positive, the beauty of this life that was given to me.

14. Do something that doesn't really make sense.

15. Do one random act of kindness.

16. Sing a song and mean it.

17. Be more independent.  This was definitely true this year.  I first started dorming during Spring 2009 and it was a new experience for me.  I was living on my own for the first time ever.  And since I live in a single dorm, I literally have my very own space.  My time is my own, to use however I please.  It's been a great experience.

18. Be less heartbroken.  Definitely, MOST definitely!  This year, I learned what it was like to pick up the pieces after a broken relationship--not only with ex but fixing my relationship with my dad also.  From January to December, I feel like I've experienced such a huge personal growth, as a result of everything that has happened this year.  And TRUST me, 2009 was a CRAZY year... it was absolutely INSANE.  I really should write a book about all this... someday.

19. Stay up all night doing absolutely nothing.

20. Do something spontaneous.

21. Fight for a worthy cause.

22. Get at least a 3.8 GPA.  Alright, so I didn't quite make it to 3.8, but I've definitely made improvements this year!  Man, this year was tough, and I can't imagine what the last three semesters of my undergraduate life have in store for me.  But one thing's for sure.  I'm determined, I'll work hard, and I will strive to fulfill my dreams, one way or another!

23. Make an art project.

24. Try snowboarding.

25. Test the limits of my love.

26. Be friendlier to dogs.  I am very proud to announce that I have finally outgrown my fear of dogs.  My mom told me that when I was still very young, a street dog ran me straight to the ground, and as I lay on the street, the dog stood over me.  Maybe that's why I've been so afraid of dogs my whole life.  What turned it around?  This little puppy, my sister's Pomeranian... Milo Bear!  Isn't he gorgeous?

27. Try to learn an instrument.  One random Saturday in September, we had friends over to enjoy the final days of warmth, swimming in the pool and enjoying each other's company.  Jerah was playing her guitar outside and I was watching her.  I think she asked me if I wanted to learn and so she taught me a few chords.  It was weird at first and I couldn't stop laughing--this was totally new to me!  I've always wanted to play an instrument but at 20 years old, I feel like it might be too late for me.  Maybe that's not necessarily true!  Armed with the basic chords Jerah taught me, I continued to teach myself, asking her for help every now and then.  Thanks for teaching me how to play guitar, Jerah!  I couldn't have done this without you!

28. Learn to play a song and sing along.

So I was able to do maybe a little over two-thirds of the list?  That's not bad at all.  Good bye 2009.  Hello 2010.  Now it's time to think of a new list for the year ahead!

A Mother's Prayer

The day after Christmas, I had the chance to talk to one of my mom's closest friends.  She said something really interesting.  While talking about my mom's final days, she mentioned that my mom told her she was at peace.  She knew her life was nearing its end, and her heart is at peace because she has already "bargained with God" about what the future holds for my sister and I.  That hit home.  All this time, I've witnessed God's hand move in my life in such a profound way that I literally am in awe of how perfectly things work out sometimes.  Though I have many limitations, it is amazing to me that in God's time, everything just falls exactly into place.  I know this.  I could testify for this.  Even my best friend tells me, in those times I'm feeling anxious about the future, "Well, things just seem to always work out for you, one way or another."  And now, it makes sense to me.  My life and that of my sister have already been prayed for by Mama.  She made sure, as best she could, that her girls were going to be okay, even if she could not physically be with us.  I don't know what Mama's prayers were for us exactly, but what I do know is that even in her physical absence, I still feel a lasting connection with her and it is easy for me to believe that in her final moments, she did all she could to ensure that even now, our steps are guided by her petitions to God, whatever those may be.  I believe in the power of a mother's prayer and I believe that it is MY Mama's prayers, in part, that have guided me to this point in my life.  Thank you Mama.  I love you and I miss you.

I love Los Angeles

*breathes* I know my previous post wasn't the most cheerful and bubbly, but this post will make up for that!

As I've said in the previous post, we drove down to LA after fighting with the GPS, finally leaving NorCal at 10:30 pm, ETA around 4 am.  My sister and I were knocked out for the most part.  Both my dad and stepmom were so tired that they decided to stop at a rest area and sleep for an hour or so before resuming the drive.  After countless rest stops and awkward, uncomfortable sleeping positions, I opened my eyes around 6 am and realized we were in Van Nuys.  Ahhh... officially in Los Angeles county, and my heart was aflutter!  I couldn't explain it.  The same thing happened on my way back home from Arizona.  It just feels warm and comfortable.  All of a sudden,  I felt all our problems, anxieties, and stress simply disappear...  

I don't exactly know what it is about this place that makes me feel this way...

Maybe it's because this is where my family and I started our new lives here in America.  

This is where we became rooted, where we found friends and met relatives we've never met before.  

Maybe it's because this is where my sister and I basically grew up.  

This is where we learned what it meant to live the American lifestyle.  

This is where my mom continued her cancer treatments.  

This is where both my parents discovered they were diabetics.  

This is where my mom found out her cancer has returned with a vengeance.  

Maybe it's because this is where she passed away.  

This is where I learned to deal with loss and to accept that change is inevitable and sometimes predictable.  

Maybe it's because this is where I came to know the true meaning of friendship, love, and family.  

Maybe it's because this is where I found lifelong friends and the warmth of family.

This is where God showed, shows, and will continue to show me His everlasting love and grace.  

This is where I grew up, through the years, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  

This is where I first fell in love and discovered what it was like to give my heart to someone else.  

Maybe it's because this is where I first experienced the pain of heartbreak and learned to heal.  

This is where I first learned what it feels to be torn away from the one person I love the most.  

This is where I've made mistakes and this is also where I rose above them.  

Maybe it's because this is where I realized where my passions lie.  

This is where I found my calling.  

This is where I discovered and continue to discover who I am as a person.  

This is HOME.

Both photos were taken from http://discoverlosangeles.com/play/photo-of-the-day.jsp.

Worst Christmas Ever

It's been a while since my last blog, and a lot has happened since then.  I think I'll be posting several blogs tonight, so without further ado, here's my first blog of 2010.

This past Christmas Day was the worst of my life.  I'm not even kidding.  I wish I was.  It was just a complete and utter disaster.  Right from the get-go, I knew that day had major potential to be a fail.  Our schedule was tight.  We had two parties to attend--lunch with my stepmom's family and dinner with my dad's family.  Whenever all of that is over, my sister and I, along with our dad and stepmom, will drive down to LA.  Yup.  That was the genius plan.

Disaster #1: It turns out my stepmom's family party was not for lunch.

Yup.  It was for dinner.  At 4 pm.  That's exactly what time my dad's family party started... wonderful, hmm?

Disaster #2: Super Filipino Time

My family (aka myself, my sister, and my dad) makes it a point to get ready on time.  When you tell us to be ready at 3 pm (as was the plan) we're usually ready by 2:59 pm.  Apparently, not everyone functions this way.  My sister's room is connected to my stepbrother's room via a shared bathroom.  THAT could have been a disaster too, but we took that into consideration when we figured out our schedule for the day.  Despite having to wait more than an hour for the bathroom door to unlock, my sister and I were dressed, ready, and fully packed by 3 pm.  We take our stuff downstairs so our dad could load it onto the truck when, lo and behold, there she was--our stepmother still in her pajamas.  My sister goes into the kitchen and our dad was still frying eggrolls for the family party.  Apparently, stepmother dearest assigned him to fry the eggrolls AND load our luggages AND fix the house AND load the mountain of presents.  So at 3 pm, both of them were nowhere near ready.  Plans got pushed back an hour.  Fine.  My sister and I try to pass the time, already in our dresses, all dolled up.  We come back downstairs around 4 pm.  Oh what a Christmas it sure is when you see your dad furiously throwing presents into a garbage bag in his frustration and frenzy.  Tight.  Sooo... when are we leaving again?

Disaster #3: RIP Spot

My sister and I decide to check up on the bunnies and make sure they have enough food and water.  One of them looked strangely still.  After a few minutes of trying to figure out what's wrong and why it was in such a strange position, we realized the little bunny that was still hopping around that morning must have died sometime during the day.  Poor little seastar...

Disaster #4: Change of plans

Since some people weren't ready on time *ahem* we ended up leaving the house at 6 pm.  Three whole hours late.  The new plan was to go to our stepmom's party for about an hour, deliver her gifts to her family, go home to pick up the rest of the presents and our luggage, go to my dad's party, then drive down to LA.  Ohhh boy, here we go...

Disaster #5: Don't make impossible plans.

We end up overstaying at my stepmom's family party, of course, because what does she care about what we want, right?  She's all that matters.  Finally, around 9 pm, my dad gets a call from his sister.  All our relatives were leaving the party.  My cousins have all left and my aunt and uncle were leaving soon too.  Great.  Now, not only did my sister and I miss out on spending Christmas with our family in LA but also in San Francisco too.  That was it for me.  That is just NOT acceptable.  Christmas shouldn't be spent with people you have to pretend to like and with a fake smile plastered on your face.  Christmas should be fun and relaxing, a day to make memories and enjoy the ones you love.  There shouldn't be any yelling, any presents furiously being thrown about, frustrations and frenzy.  Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I should have been smiling, but instead, tears were streaming from our faces from the day utterly ruined.

The only highlight of the day?  We were finally on our way back home to LA...