Welcome, welcome to A Beautiful Mess!

As you can see, I've totally revamped my blog site--different background, different template, different tagline, different name?!?!  No instantaneous epiphanies, no blog-changing moment that made me decide to change it.  I just felt like it was time for a change.  My life experiences over the past few years have taught me to embrace change.  Change could end up to be good or bad, and depending on the situation, it can be scary too, but change is an inevitable aspect of life.

I've also made it a habit to periodically reflect on certain aspects of my life.  Am I doing well in this area?  Is this working out?  Does this still apply to me, or have I evolved since my last reflection?  Have I maintained the essence of who I am, or have I lost myself?  Is it time for change?  Self-evaluations and soul-searching have become a part of me, and I think it's a good way for me to see whether I'm evolving into the person I intend to be.  The goal is to evolve without losing the essence of who I am.

The revised title of my blog, "A Beautiful Mess," is inspired by this song by Jason Mraz.  (I actually wrote a post about it last month.)  First off, I love this song.  Also, as the tagline states, "Life doesn't always go as planned, but there is beauty and purpose to all things and all situations."  I've found this to be very true in my own life experiences.  Of course, it's horrible while I'm actually in that moment of turmoil, when I feel like everything around me is spinning out of control.  But when I  reflect on those moments, I recognize their beauty and purpose.  When the chaos has passed and I see how life unraveled from that point to the present, I begin to see why it happened, why it had to happen that way, how I reacted to the situation, and how that shaped me into the person I am now.  There is a certain serenity and inner peace that settles in.  

Two days ago, I was browsing through my blog--the name, the tagline, the background elements.  I felt like I needed a "better fit" for my life, that what once worked might not apply anymore.  It was time for change.  As I evolve, so will my thoughts, and so will my perspectives on life.  To a certain extent, the evolution of this blog serves as a reflection of my continuous evolution as a person.

I'm proud of myself! So what?

When I receive an award or any type of recognition, 99.9% of the time, it's because I deserve it.  For those of you who know me, you know I work hard for everything I've accomplished so far.  I'm not being conceited.  That's just the plain and honest truth.  If I personally don't believe I deserve an award, I don't acknowledge it and I don't consider it an achievement.  And in my opinion, that has only happened once.  During my freshman year, I received an "Excellence in Calculus" award.  I don't ever bring that up, it's not on my resume, it's not something I felt like I deserved, and to this day, I'm still wondering how in the world I got that award.  No lie, I hate calculus--I was completely oblivious in that class!

With that said, I feel that I have the right to be proud of everything I've accomplished so far.  I'm not one to brag, and public recognitions embarrass me, to be honest.  I never know what to do and I feel like all eyes are watching me.  It's a strange feeling, and it makes me fidgety every single time.  But I do feel that internally, I have a lot to be proud of because I know none of my accomplishments came easily, especially since I've had quite a few extra hurdles I've had to jump over to get to where I am today.  I set my bar just a little bit out of reach every time, so I can challenge myself and my abilities.  Yes, I'm a nerd.  That much is true.  But to think this all comes naturally, no effort required, is completely false.  

And because of all this, I believe I have the right, once in a blue moon, to step back and say, "I've accomplished all that?  Wow, I'm amazing!"  I believe I have the right to be pleased or flattered when someone compliments me or appreciates me.  Is it wrong to be proud of myself, to be confident?  Is it wrong to enjoy my achievements?  I shouldn't have to worry about people rolling their eyes or questioning why me or thinking that I don't deserve the attention or the recognition I get.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who cause drama, those who are jealous, those who resent my success, those who aren't genuine, have a grudge, or whatever it is that's the problem, really.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who don't understand, who are trying to make things out to be more than they are, misconstruing everything, those who think everything is a competition.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who make life more difficult than it already is.  Go ahead, because I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks anyway.  Haters will keep on hating.

I love what I do, and I'm gonna keep on going.  I've been told I'm doing a pretty amazing job so far!  It doesn't really matter if anyone recognizes it or not.  At the end of the day, it matters that I'm happy with myself, with my life.  I have something to be proud of.  Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Christianity, Biochemistry, and Philosophy

These are three topics that supposedly counter each other, yet they all coexist within me.  

This realization hit me as I was reading for Philosophy of Religion.  William James argues that it is the duty of reason (aka philosophy) to strip down the mysteries of religion.  In today's world, the rift between science and faith is progressively emphasized.  Simply put, these three "ways of thinking," if you can call them that, seem like they would continually contradict one another.  But for some reason, they all come together as various aspects that make up who I am.

I'm a Christian and a biochemistry major, with a philosophy minor.  How does that even function?  I'm asking myself this, and right now I don't know the answer.  I'm a little flabbergasted at myself at the moment, to be honest.  (It's a strange feeling, lemme tell ya.)  Maybe I'm just a confused child, overall?  

Maybe philosophy and reason helps me analyze science but leads me to question faith.  

Maybe the empirical foundations of science result in a unique and awesome understanding of the truths upheld by faith, concurrently undermining the free thought that characterizes philosophy.

Maybe religion bridges the gaps that science deem inexplicable and serves as an application of contemplative and sometimes critical thought processes involved in philosophy.

I don't know the answers, but this idea really immersed me in thought just now...

The Dark Side

I guess power and success comes at a price.  There is an aspect of this nation that is just utterly cold and heartless.

Today, what will happen today?

This is it.  At least, that's how it feels...

Today, I'll know the answers to questions that have been churning more and more violently within my soul for the past eight years.

Today, I face the truth, of what I am, of what can and cannot be done.

Today, my options, the paths that lay before me and the paths I cannot cross, will be revealed, once and for all.

Today, I am anxious, I am terrified, I am preparing for the worst.

Today, there is a good chance I will panic, I will not be okay, I will be frustrated, I will cry.

Today, the truth will be revealed and I must accept it for what it is.

Today, my heart may soar or it may break.

Today, I must pull together our lives, my life, which slowly unraveled after she departed.

Today, I will pray, I will lift my hands high to my Father, to the One who has been with me from the beginning of my existence, the One who I will continue to be with for eternity.

Today, I learn what it truly means to die to myself.

Today, I give it all to You.

Today, I know You already know how today starts and ends.

Today, I sing, I play, I breathe, I live for You, for this is all a simple human such as myself can do.

Today Father, this is my prayer.  Bless them for being a blessing to me, bless our conversation, bless whatever outcome results.  You know the deepest, most personal, most intimate desires of my heart.  Hold me in Your comforting embrace, and grant me the divine peace that comes only from You.  Set my way before me, and never allow my fire to burn out nor my hope to diminish.  Never let me go, for in You, I fully trust, and in You lies my yesterday, today, tomorrow, and my eternity.  In the Name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray.  Amen.


Acts 16.

Frustrated, Lost, and Confused

I'm NOT okay.  I'm trying to apply to five or six summer research programs and the deadlines are fast approaching.  As if that wasn't hard enough for the normal science major, I have something else on my mind, a limiting factor I have to deal with.  As I've blogged about before, life is NOT fair.  It seems like everywhere I look, there's a wall closing in on me.  Everywhere I turn, there's an open door that shuts close just before I can reach it.  "No, sorry, I don't think you can."  I've been hearing and seeing versions of this for the past 9 years, but its meaning has definitely intensified through the years.  So far, this is the most frustrated and agitated I've been about this.  Just because of THIS, people turn me down, people look away, they completely disregard the 99% of me that is more than eligible, only because of that stupid 1% that I can't even do anything about at this point.  

My research mentor has been outstanding in trying to calm me down, assure me that everything will be okay, guiding me through these horrible, nervous breakdown moments.  In the three years I've known and worked for him, he's become more than just a professor or a mentor to me, but a real friend.  I really believe God caused our paths to cross for a reason.  Yesterday, I came into his office, trying to talk about viable options.  Halfway through the conversation, I told him how I felt when my GRE prep stuff came from Amazon.  I felt like someone just died.  No, wait, I felt like my dreams just died.  I feel like I'm giving up on medical school, something I've aspired to ever since I can remember.  

I entered college wanting to be a doctor, but by sophomore year, I realized I also wanted to be in research.  My friends know I like a challenge, and if there is an option that's juuust slightly more challenging, that's what I'll take.  With all that considered, I decided I want to be an MD/PhD.  So what now?  Sure, I'll work towards my PhD after undergrad, or at least that's the plan so far.  But would I still have the heart, the mind, and the strength to go back and apply for med school after all of that?  I've already warned him.  I feel like this semester will be an emotional disaster, which could quite possibly worsen throughout the rest of the year.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack.  I could barely breathe, I can't focus, my mind is restless.  And when I look inside my soul, I see a downward spiraling whirlpool sucking everything into the darkness below.  I have so much to figure out this year, so much more than a regular science major at my level.  EVERYTHING that happens this year decides my fate for the next five years, at least.  

These programs, these institutions, I hope I can convince them to expand their realm of possibilities.  I hope I can convince them to take a chance on me, that I AM worth the trouble.

Judge me for who I am instead of what I am.

A Reason and A Season

A good friend once told me that certain people become part of our lives "for a reason and a season."  In this particular case, I feel like she was using it as an excuse to keep herself distant from everyone, a justification to herself that it is perfectly fine to end relationships, friendships, any kind of connection, once someone has "served their purpose" in your life.  Ironically but not surprisingly, this person, who I trusted and genuinely considered my best friend, shattered my heart and broke my trust.  I should have seen it coming.  Once, she even told me how frustrated she is that people don't understand how disposable they are to her, that no matter how "close" she appears to be with someone, she could walk out of that person's life any second.  That's a sad way to look at life and relationships with those around you, in my opinion.  I mean, why even bother to make connections if you're not planning to give it your all?  Anyway, regardless of what happened to our friendship, this quote stuck to me, this saying that sort of became her mantra.  

People are part of our lives "for a reason and a season."

I understand the essence of this statement.  Yes, it's true, some people might have been essential to us, even monumental at some point in our lives, but that doesn't mean they always have to take that place of significance for the entirety of our existence.  It happens all the time.  Relationships end, friends grow apart, people end a chapter in their lives and start a new one, leaving the characters of the previous chapters behind them.  Maybe it's an ex, or a mentor, or a random person you bump into on the streets.  Everything and everyone serves a purpose.  Nothing is an accident.  Life is a very meticulously written and well-orchestrated production, where every player knows their cues by heart without ever really knowing, and the Director is the only one who sees the big picture, the vision that encompasses all of reality, from the milestones to the mundane, every single second of life that was ever lived, is being lived, and will be lived.

But this statement, as my not-so-best-friend sees it, should never be reason enough to justify using the people around you for your own benefit.  Friendships are real.  Relationships are real.  Human connection and interaction is real.  These aren't things you can just end or cut off because it is no longer useful to you.  And if you see life through these eyes, then I'm very terribly sorry for you.  I have amazing people all around me, and I can't even imagine how life would be without them.  I have two best friends and another who is not only a best friend but my one and only sister.  I cannot even begin to fathom how different life would be without them.  I can't even contemplate the act of cutting myself off from them, let alone everyone in my life.  When I build connections, I never think, "This is just temporary."  I always try to build connections that will last, bonds that are strong enough to withstand the test of time, loss of constant communication, pivotal life events, etc.  Not all these bonds survive. That's a shame, but it's the truth.  But it's all a matter of perspective.  If you start off building a connection thinking of it as a temporary means of gaining some sort of benefit for yourself, if you see a budding relationship as a disposable thing, then you're missing out on life.  You're missing out on what could very well be a great, life-changing thing, if you only allow yourself to be completely immersed into it.  Take a chance once in a while.  Give it your all or give none at all.  "Seasons of Love," a song from "Rent," really stands out to me.  Friends, family, these bonds we form all around us.  They are a measure of how we lived our lives.  These are the people who hold us together, who form who we are, who we become, who change our lives simply because they are part of it.  These people are the ones we form memories with, the ones we laugh, cry, eat, sleep, do anything and everything with.  These people journey with us through life, and as our companions in this walk, this march toward an unknown yet certain destination, they deserve to have a real, honest-to-goodness home in our hearts.  Don't be fake.  Don't use people for your benefit.  Don't form connections in order to gain something in return later on.  Form bonds, form friendships for the sheer joy of companionship, for the feeling of comfort and warmth that comes with the fact that you are not alone on this journey, and no matter what happens, there are people around you who love and care about you just as much as you love and care for them.

Life is NOT fair.

It's not fair that I'm working so hard.  It's not fair that as each day passes, I feel the walls inching toward me, closing me in.  There are limitations everywhere.  There are so many things I would love to do, so many things I know I am more than capable of doing or becoming.  I set myself to a very high standard, something that only those that are closest to me truly understand.  I've been known to set goals for myself that are not obvious or easily achievable.  I like to be challenged and I like working hard to overcome these challenges.  As I spoke to a couple of my friends, I realized that sometimes I throw myself in a situation that might not completely make sense, something that will not come easily to me, something that might seem to be just outside of my capabilities at the time.  But so far, through this pattern of challenging myself and working really hard to fulfill my potential, I feel like I've expanded my overall knowledge and understanding of the world.  It has also really helped me grow as a person, pretty intensely within the past two years.

I feel like the past three years, I've lived a life in a protective asylum.  I am where I am today because people believed in me, regardless of my situation.  It doesn't matter what I am.  It doesn't matter what I am labeled.  It doesn't matter where I came from.  It doesn't matter how much money my family has.  All that matters is who I am, my will and determination to succeed, my personality, my spirit, my faith, and who I am as a person.

But now, with this stage of my life quickly hurtling to an end, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at everything.  Once again, here I am, still in the same position, looking for answers, looking for a way out.  There is a way out, but that is the way I refuse to go.  My heart pains to think of that option.  Once again, I feel like I need to prove myself, to make myself "bullet-proof," in the words of my mentor, so that people would be so drawn to me that they would be willing to make exceptions to the rule, that they would be willing to take a risk and invest in me.  This is my biggest limitation, and though I don't worry about this very often, when I do, it is very overwhelming, extremely frustrating, and honestly discouraging.

Thoughts come to me like rushing water, and when ignored, I could easily find myself struggling to stay afloat.  What's worse is when there is not just one source of rushing water but multiple.  When multiple things are on my mind, each with their own stream of thought, it quickly gets to the point where I'm being tossed around from one thought to the next, not really knowing how to deal with each one and not really being able to focus on any single one.  So instead of trying to get back on my feet and handle the situation, for a moment in time, there I am, tossed here and there in a quick succession of incomplete questions, sentences, thoughts, images, etc.  Sometimes, as I did just now, I just have to allow myself to break down, cry, write, vent, and talk it out.  And once I do, exhausted as I am, a spirit of peace washes over me and a calming stillness overtakes my heart.

Do I know what will happen?  Nope.  Am I worried?  It's there in the back of my head.  Did any of this help solve my situation at all?  Probably not.  But as with some things, it's not necessarily the destination but the journey that matters.  My journey is not yet over.  I don't know to what end this is all heading, but for the moment, I really should attend to other more pressing matters (such as outlining chapters for developmental biology).  Perseverance is the key, I guess.  Whatever life throws my way, I know the prayers of my mother and those who love and care for me form an invisible shield of protection, that no matter what happens, I will make it through just fine.

Lovers and/or Friends?

Where is the defining boundary?  Sometimes, the line in between seems to blur and you're left wondering, "What is this feeling?"  Is it simply confusing the warmth of friendship and deep admiration for possible romantic feelings.  When do friends become lovers, and when is it "safe" to even consider making a bold move?

What if there really is something there?

Looking back at 2009

I remembered making a list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2009, and since that year has now come and gone, it's time to look back and review this list.  (I might even add a little description to some of them...)

The ones in blue are things I didn't quite get to this year... Aaaand GO!

1.  Find someone who will absolutely blow me away.  There were quite a few people this year that "blew me away," so to speak, but I meant this in more of a romantic sense.  True, I didn't exactly meet "someone" new, but I'm not sad about it.  I've thought about it, and I'm actually pretty happy being single right now.  I'm able to focus, I don't have anyone who keeps tabs on me 24/7, and I'm enjoying my life, no strings attached!  Maybe this was God's plan for me, for 2009 to be a year of self-discovery and self-reflection, which it definitely was.  My theory is, I don't need to look for the right person for me.  God knows where I am, and in His time, in His way, God will cause our paths to cross.

2.  Drink more water.

3.  Exercise more often.

4.  Surprise Trix for her birthday.

5.  Send Trix care packages every other month.

6.  Buy Trix a laptop and a laptop case, with programs fully installed.

7.  Meet at least 10 new people. It was a year of meeting people, actually.  I've met quite a few fresh faces and even amongst the familiar faces, I've become good friends with some of them who I never really talked to before.

8.  Feed the homeless.

9.  Make someone's day.

10. Smile at someone who needs it.

11. Hug someone who needs it.

12. Read a good book.

13. Appreciate life.  This past year, in October, instead of waiting for my birthday at the end of the month and making it "my month," I decided to really take the time to appreciate those around me, to reflect on their influence on my life and to see all the good, the positive, the beauty of this life that was given to me.

14. Do something that doesn't really make sense.

15. Do one random act of kindness.

16. Sing a song and mean it.

17. Be more independent.  This was definitely true this year.  I first started dorming during Spring 2009 and it was a new experience for me.  I was living on my own for the first time ever.  And since I live in a single dorm, I literally have my very own space.  My time is my own, to use however I please.  It's been a great experience.

18. Be less heartbroken.  Definitely, MOST definitely!  This year, I learned what it was like to pick up the pieces after a broken relationship--not only with ex but fixing my relationship with my dad also.  From January to December, I feel like I've experienced such a huge personal growth, as a result of everything that has happened this year.  And TRUST me, 2009 was a CRAZY year... it was absolutely INSANE.  I really should write a book about all this... someday.

19. Stay up all night doing absolutely nothing.

20. Do something spontaneous.

21. Fight for a worthy cause.

22. Get at least a 3.8 GPA.  Alright, so I didn't quite make it to 3.8, but I've definitely made improvements this year!  Man, this year was tough, and I can't imagine what the last three semesters of my undergraduate life have in store for me.  But one thing's for sure.  I'm determined, I'll work hard, and I will strive to fulfill my dreams, one way or another!

23. Make an art project.

24. Try snowboarding.

25. Test the limits of my love.

26. Be friendlier to dogs.  I am very proud to announce that I have finally outgrown my fear of dogs.  My mom told me that when I was still very young, a street dog ran me straight to the ground, and as I lay on the street, the dog stood over me.  Maybe that's why I've been so afraid of dogs my whole life.  What turned it around?  This little puppy, my sister's Pomeranian... Milo Bear!  Isn't he gorgeous?

27. Try to learn an instrument.  One random Saturday in September, we had friends over to enjoy the final days of warmth, swimming in the pool and enjoying each other's company.  Jerah was playing her guitar outside and I was watching her.  I think she asked me if I wanted to learn and so she taught me a few chords.  It was weird at first and I couldn't stop laughing--this was totally new to me!  I've always wanted to play an instrument but at 20 years old, I feel like it might be too late for me.  Maybe that's not necessarily true!  Armed with the basic chords Jerah taught me, I continued to teach myself, asking her for help every now and then.  Thanks for teaching me how to play guitar, Jerah!  I couldn't have done this without you!

28. Learn to play a song and sing along.

So I was able to do maybe a little over two-thirds of the list?  That's not bad at all.  Good bye 2009.  Hello 2010.  Now it's time to think of a new list for the year ahead!

Relationships and Judgments

As I sat on the train up to Northern California to see my family, I had a very long time to think (and sleep).  At one point, I was trying to figure out what kind of people I surround myself with.  Relationships fascinate me.  How do they start?  How do they continue?  What breaks this special bond?  This reflection was brought about by the end of the semester, saying goodbye to my dear friends as we all go our separate ways for winter break.  It sounds overly dramatic, I know.  But at a small college like mine, I see the same beautiful faces everyday, and this semester especially brought us all closer together.  It's strange not having them around, not having Danielle down the hall or Mila in lab or Kasey sitting at her desk or Marina in her chair.  It's strange not to have random floaters like Bianca or Zoila or Tameka walk into lab to hang out for a while.  All this reminded me of something I am already well-aware of: I am blessed to have such an incredibly amazing and diverse group of people around me.  But I also catch a glimpse of other people's relationships with their families and their friends and how that aspect of their lives function.  

Last semester, Contemporary Moral Problems was my second least favorite class to go to.  (Instrumental Methods of Analysis took first place in that category by the end of the semester.)  But even though I disliked the class, I did pick up on some things that made me stop and think.  Our professor once brought up the issue of judgment.  We are told that it is wrong to judge someone.  Do you judge?  Some people would be inclined to say no, they don't judge.  But we all do.  We judge who we associate ourselves with, what kind of community we live in, what kind of atmosphere we place ourselves in, everyday.  In making these decisions and many more, we construct a specific kind of life for ourselves, and we make numerous judgment calls along the way.

I've known for some years now that I have been blessed with two amazing lifelong friends.  I also know that it is another blessing to have people around me that don't party their lives away and have the responsibility to keep their priorities straight.  From an outside perspective, people may be inclined to say I choose to be around "perfect" people, people who are smart, rich, over-achieving, or "angels."  I found this to be false.  It's not that my friends were all raised right or had a good childhood or had access to all the resources they needed.  It's not that they never have fun and they live boring, strictly academic lives.  No, this is not the case.

The only common factor so far that I've been able to put my finger on is this: They all hold themselves to a higher standard.  They don't need mom or dad to push them to do well.  Of course, everyone has their days when they need that extra encouragement, but for the most part, these people are self-sufficient, self-motivating, and all pursuing their passions and dreams not for anyone else but for the betterment of themselves.  And I guess everything else falls into place.  In pursuit of this goal, they must be responsible, able to prioritize and live a well-balanced life, be open-minded and yet uphold their own set of values and morals.  In order words, they know how to get their life together.  Not that their life is always smooth sailing, but in times of trouble, they are mature enough to know how to handle the pressure.  Pretty cool, huh?  So thank you, thank you, to the people around me.  You all contribute, whether great or small, to my walk of life, and it is because of these characteristics that I'm able to stay grounded.

Two years from now, in a perfect world...

...I would have already graduated at the top of my class.  I work hard for this.  That would be MY moment.  I don't want anyone there to screw things up.  With that said, only my dad and my sister are invited from Nor Cal.  There.  I said it.

...I would be going to a prestigious med school/grad school program.  (Let's go, Caltech, let's go!)  My housing, tuition, healthcare, fees, etc. would be completely paid for... AND with a stipend, to top it all off!  In a perfect, perfect world, I would be in a legit MD/PhD program... yeah yuhhh!

...my dad would have a more stable job.  I would be living in my own apartment with my little sister, because I so desperately want to rescue her from that hell hole that she lives in now.  My family would be so much happier and free from drama queens and complications that make our lives even more stressful than it already is.  (Lemme tell ya... those Disney fairytales about the evil stepmother?  They exist.  No lie.)  In a perfect, perfect world, we'd all be together.  Who cares about money or material things?  I mean this when I say family is more important than all of that.  We got along just fine before--no money, not much of a house, just each other.  In many ways, much better than how things are now, that's for sure.

...my sister would be going to Bishop Amat High School, where I went.  I would be helping put her through school.  It'll be tough, but one way or another, we'll do it.

Sooo... that's just a rough draft of what my personal goals and dreams are for the near-ish future.  Only God knows how my life will actually play out.  Looking back at just the past three years, it's been such a crazy, insane roller coaster!  Life never turns out quite exactly how I planned or imagined it, but in a lot of ways, reality was actually much better.  

I wanted to finish high school as a valedictorian, just as Mama and I dreamed when I was little.  I was named Salutatorian, even though I did get the top GPA of my graduating class (weird selection policy...).  

I wanted to go to a big-name college as a pre-med student.  I didn't even want to apply to Mount St. Mary's College, but they ended up giving me a full-scholarship.  Now, I switched my major to Biochemistry with a minor in Philosophy, and I can't believe I now want to ultimately be an MD/PhD.  I have to admit, I've fallen in love with the school and everything about it, and I cannot imagine being anywhere else and having a better college experience.

These are just a few examples... but the point is, though my life hasn't played out exactly as I've envisioned it, where I am today still maintains the essence of the goals and dreams and visions for myself.  And if the future is anything like how my life has been so far, it's gonna be one heck of a rough ride, but at the end of the day, I'll still be able to fulfill the essence of these goals and dreams in the future.  Who knows, right?  We'll just have to wait and see!

Note to Self #1

Wake up, wake up... 

Stop living in a Dream World.

[It's time to face reality.]