Frustrated, Lost, and Confused

I'm NOT okay.  I'm trying to apply to five or six summer research programs and the deadlines are fast approaching.  As if that wasn't hard enough for the normal science major, I have something else on my mind, a limiting factor I have to deal with.  As I've blogged about before, life is NOT fair.  It seems like everywhere I look, there's a wall closing in on me.  Everywhere I turn, there's an open door that shuts close just before I can reach it.  "No, sorry, I don't think you can."  I've been hearing and seeing versions of this for the past 9 years, but its meaning has definitely intensified through the years.  So far, this is the most frustrated and agitated I've been about this.  Just because of THIS, people turn me down, people look away, they completely disregard the 99% of me that is more than eligible, only because of that stupid 1% that I can't even do anything about at this point.  

My research mentor has been outstanding in trying to calm me down, assure me that everything will be okay, guiding me through these horrible, nervous breakdown moments.  In the three years I've known and worked for him, he's become more than just a professor or a mentor to me, but a real friend.  I really believe God caused our paths to cross for a reason.  Yesterday, I came into his office, trying to talk about viable options.  Halfway through the conversation, I told him how I felt when my GRE prep stuff came from Amazon.  I felt like someone just died.  No, wait, I felt like my dreams just died.  I feel like I'm giving up on medical school, something I've aspired to ever since I can remember.  

I entered college wanting to be a doctor, but by sophomore year, I realized I also wanted to be in research.  My friends know I like a challenge, and if there is an option that's juuust slightly more challenging, that's what I'll take.  With all that considered, I decided I want to be an MD/PhD.  So what now?  Sure, I'll work towards my PhD after undergrad, or at least that's the plan so far.  But would I still have the heart, the mind, and the strength to go back and apply for med school after all of that?  I've already warned him.  I feel like this semester will be an emotional disaster, which could quite possibly worsen throughout the rest of the year.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack.  I could barely breathe, I can't focus, my mind is restless.  And when I look inside my soul, I see a downward spiraling whirlpool sucking everything into the darkness below.  I have so much to figure out this year, so much more than a regular science major at my level.  EVERYTHING that happens this year decides my fate for the next five years, at least.  

These programs, these institutions, I hope I can convince them to expand their realm of possibilities.  I hope I can convince them to take a chance on me, that I AM worth the trouble.

Judge me for who I am instead of what I am.