The Heart

I woke up this morning, and I remember this poem I wrote a few months ago, and I wanted to post it so you can read it, agree, disagree, relate to it, whatever. Comment away!

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May 26, 2009
12:14 AM to 2:10 AM

The heart beats on,
The rhythm of life,
Constant from birth to death.

With each pump,
Life is possible,
Life continues,
Life is lived.

A steadfast soldier that marches on,
Every moment, every second,
Every minute of every day.

The heart beats to live.
The heart beats to love.
The heart feels.
The heart serves one purpose,
To love and do no other.

It does not think.
It does not analyze.
It does not calculate.
It does not weigh the consequences.

The sight of a familiar face,
The familiar eyes, the familiar smile
Quickens the pitter patter of the fervent heart.

It yearns to love and be loved in return.
Yet disappointment comes, time and time again.
Questions, emotions, excuses, complications,
A whirlwind of reasons not to fall.

And yet time and again, the foolish heart stumbles.
The heart, once whole, then shatters.
The fragments scatter, never to be the same once more.
And this broken heart remembers.

The once excited pitter patter now grows faint.
It grows feeble, vulnerable in its weakened state.
Afraid to love again, barely beating, barely holding on.

Yet through the heart-wrenching pain
Of the profusely bleeding heart,
Through the downpour of tears,
Through the restless nights,
The heart beats on.

There’s only One who can mend.
Only the One can comprehend.
Only the One can gather the fragments together,
The remnants of broken dreams,
The debris of a future once painted so brightly,
And restore the heart, again whole and complete,
Now stronger, more intelligent, and a little less naive.

And though this once-broken heart remembers,
Recalls the crimes and offenses against it,
In time, the heart can’t help but to beat a little faster,
To move on, lesson learned,
To be wary but forgiving,
To be aware but open to love.

In time, another familiar face,
Another set of familiar eyes,
And a new and yet familiar smile
Will once again cause this once-broken,
Once-shattered, once-beaten heart
To quicken its pitter patter once more,
This time, for good.

Oh, how fast time flies!

As we're living life in the present, we never really notice how fast times flies until we look back to what we thought to be the recent past. I had dinner with two of my favorite people last night, and for a part of our conversations, we took the time to reminisce about high school, the drama, the memories, the stress, and some of the many things that have happened since then. It got me thinking. I think the transition from high school to college just might be one of the most important times in a person's life. Just looking back at my own life since high school, a lot sure has changed, and I can honestly say, I'm not the same Anne that stepped out on that stage on graduation night!

The boyfriend has gone. My dad remarried and moved with my sister up north, and I'm now living on my own, for the most part, and living with an awesome family on the weekends. Instead of majoring in biology, I'm now a biochemistry major, with a minor in philosophy. And who would have thought my heart would find its calling in research, with the ultimate goal of being an M.D./Ph.D.! I've grown and matured so much as a person within these past two years, it's difficult to imagine it's only been two years! I've been the most independent I've been in my life thus far, and I've grown to appreciate life as a whole, with all its twists and turns, the good and the bad included!

So much can change in so little time, I'm excited to find out how the rest of my life will turn out. Will my life continue to follow the path I have planned so far? Will I become a completely different person in a few years? What will change, and what will remain? And the people around me--who will be around for a lifetime, and who will fade into the background? Questions, questions, yet as my mom used to sing to me, "Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera sera, what will be will be." There's no fast forward in life, no sneak peeks, no previews. I guess we'll just have to live every moment of it to find out what lies ahead!

Ahh yes, debuts...

Last Saturday I went to a debut, a traditional coming-of-age celebration for an 18-year-old Filipina. I look forward to these events because it gives me an excuse to get all dressed up, not to mention that for the most part, they're at least mildly interesting! I had good time, spending time with friends and just relaxing for a few hours.

It made me reflect on my own debut, except I had mine when I turned 15, instead of 18. Why? I didn't understand at the time. In August 2004, my mom's cancer returned after five years of good health, this time metastisizing to her lungs and brain. The doctors gave her three months to live, and in the hopes of shielding me from this news, my family didn't inform me about this. My birthday is in October. My mom passed away in November, exactly three months later. Suddenly and tragically, it all made sense to me.

In retrospect, I remember how quickly it was all planned, with the main goal of giving me a debut while my mom was still here. I went back down memory lane, remembering the program, the people who were there, the people chosen to give me words of wisdom, the 15 guys chosen to dance with me, each one with a rose, as is expected in tradition.

I reflect on who was at that party, and I compare the guest list to the people I currently hold most dear in my heart, and it's incredible how the list is completely different. It made me realize that people come and go in life, and it's just part of the process. Yes, of course, you'll have people that will stick around forever, and people that are only there for a moment. Every person that comes into your life has a purpose and makes some sort of a mark upon it. As I'm sitting here, I begin to realize it's important to not only consider the impression other people are making in your life, but also the kind of impression you're leaving in the lives of those around you. Maybe if more people stopped to think about that and consciously act upon it, we'd somehow make each others' lives just a tad bit better. Something to think about as you start off your week!

So why the blog name?

...Just in case some are wondering. I think it speaks for itself. It's only life. Things happen, and that's a fact. You stay up all night writing a paper, and just when you're about to turn it in, your computer crashes and deletes the whole thing. You experience a death in the family. An issue spins out of control and breaks the bonds of friendship. You try so hard to please everyone and be the best you can be, but nothing just seems to be good enough, and you feel like a failure. You're in such a rush to get to where you need to be that you forget something important or you get into an accident. Someone very close to your heart moves far away. No matter what you do, there just doesn't seem to be enough money to pay the bills, the mortgage, or to put food on the table. The person you fully thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with turns their back on you and walks away. Heartaches, tears, annoyances, and frustrations of life...

To me, the title is a reminder that no matter what goes on, and no matter what sort of predicament you're in, hey, chill out, it's only life... It's part of the package, both the good and the bad. I guess you can see those times as the challenges and circumstances that build a person's character. Everyone has their days! And most of the time, there's a lesson to be learned, so go, find it, and move on! The tangible life on this world we see now is nothing compared to the life we were meant to live, after this life is over and done. So when times like these come (and believe me, I know they will), don't hesitate to vent your frustrations, cry, write, release your emotions, break some water balloons, or whatever you choose to do. But after all that is said and done, always remember to breathe, clear your mind, and relax. It's all good... this too shall pass. It's only life!

Just one of THOSE days...

So two days ago, I was just having one of those rare and unpleasant days when everything just seems to be going wrong (seems to be the theme of the entire week, to some extent, by the way). What was wrong? A few things... here goes.

I'm currently working as a summer undergraduate researcher at one of the labs here at Caltech, and this week stuff in lab just don't seem to be working very well. Yes... frustrations! As if that weren't enough, family issues come up... aaagain. To me, one of the most irritating feelings in the world is helplessness... the whole-hearted desire to do something, yet can do absolute nothing, given the circumstances. And on top of that, the burden that I was carrying in my heart (as mentioned in previous post) was eating away at me, without me knowing. And the final straw for me that night? This is silly... just goes to show how something so trivial can be blown out of proportion depending on other stuff that's going on. I was trying desperately to print out a 44-page article that I had to read for research that night, but none of the printers I tried worked. Yes, lame. I get it. Basically, nooot the best of days.

I just needed to get away from it all, so I took refuge somewhere quiet, looked up at the starry night sky, and listened to the sounds of the running water. I tried to pray, to talk to God, but nothing was coming out. So I was lying there fuming in rage, just grunting and grumbling, annoyed and angry and how badly the day went. Thoughts were zooming through my mind one after the other, questions, frustrations, complaints, worries, doubts, all flying at super speed inside my head.

So how did I get through it?

Romans 8. Yup. Here...

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. (Romans 8:26-27)

That explains the indescribable sounds coming out of me when all else fails! Nice to know even if we ourselves can't find the words to say, the Holy Spirit intercedes, and God still gets the message. Awesome!

What about everything that goes wrong? What about all the stuff I feel so helpless about? What about the future? What about this, what about that? I'm a perfectionist, and my tendency is to always have everything under control. Problem is, that's impossible. One of the toughest lessons to learn (and I'm speaking from experience) is that of trust... of letting go... of letting Him carry me through, no matter what comes my way. Difficult? Very. But check this out...

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

What can we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? (Romans 8:31)

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. (Romans 8:38)

Wonderful! Comforting words of promise. Alright, I admit, sometimes I forget all about these, and that when fear, doubt, and worry enter my mind. But then, so what if I don't know what my future holds? I know my Dad does. I can only see what's right in front of me. He sees the big picture. What's there to worry about?

P.S. As for the comment I made in yesterday's P.S., check out Romans 8:15. Need proof? It's right there. Thanks!

Matthew 18

So I'm thinking to myself, this is my first blog ever. A note to the reader, whatever I post comes from my heart, from my own views and perspective of life... k, thanks!

For the past couple of months, I've been carrying a burden in my heart, and it wasn't until last night as I was pouring my heart out to someone, that I realized this. Someone's left me feeling hurt, rejected, and unwanted. And up to this point, I chose to avoid the confrontation, so to speak, and let them go on their merry way. A lot has happened and changed since we rang in the new year, and for me, it's been a year of trying to figure out who I am, what I believe in, and what my purpose is in this world... yeah I know, pretty intense, huh?

I've been steadily growing in my faith up until just recently, when this feeling of disillusionment and disappointment began to well up inside of me as a result of events that have happened. I'm human. I'm not perfect. And I'm willing to admit, I've found myself sidetracked in my faith somewhat, and it's been a horrible feeling. The mere fact that I hadn't heard Dad's voice in such a long time made me feel lost and aimless. Who would have though that of all places, I would begin to find my way back here, the breeding ground of some of the most intelligent, most inquisitive, most analytical minds in the country, if not the world. It's a testimony to the fact that science and faith CAN coexist...yeee!

Matthew 18. He told me to read Matthew 18, and tonight, I did. And it was tonight that I clearly heard Dad's voice again, the first time in a very long time. Just a quick summary (but feel free to read the entire thing for yourself), it starts off with Jesus giving a warning that we should not cause others to stumble in our faith because of our actions. Midway through the chapter, He gives instructions on how to patch things up with a fellow believer. If you feel like someone has offended you, speak to them in private, and point out the fault. The chapter ended with the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor... perfect. If God was able to forgive us, how much more should we be able to freely forgive those who have wronged us?

God's message for me? It was a gentle rebuke. To me He said, "My dear, I know you've been hurting for a while now, and I understand the roots of your pain. You have a right to be hurt, but you've been carrying this for too long. Go on, deal with it, make things right, and no matter how hard and stubborn you might be feeling right now, in the end, you must forgive." Message heard, loud and clear, Dad. Good to hear from You again.

(P.S. If anyone's having issues with me calling God "Dad," that's too bad. He is our Abba Father, and so He is to me.)