"Out of sight, out of mind"

Just realized that saying is true... might as well be forgotten, in some areas of my life--not missed, not seen, not heard from, completely invisible and disregarded.  FINE.

There are other things that are more important, and especially today, a day dedicated to celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I cannot let anything stand in the way of my personal relationship with him.  Whatever obstacles or roadblocks may come, I just need to blast them out of my path, pursue my own way, as long as I'm right with him.

But then again there ARE those folks who are self-righteous and never think they're wrong.  Other people are always the stupid ones.  Other people always make the mistakes.  Other people are always flawed.  But as for themselves, yes, they SAY they believe they're not perfect... but they sure do act like they are.  NEWSFLASH: No one is perfect so get off your high horse and learn how to kneel and bow down to THE ONLY ONE who deserves all the glory, the honor, and praise.

Today, on this Christmas morning, let's remember God's provisions and mercy in our lives.  Let us cherish the company of friends, family, and loved ones and never forget the essence of this holiday we all look forward to celebrating each year.  Merry Christmas to you all!

Dream Diary #6

Wow, this dreams are on a roll this week!  Here's another one...

My dream took place, it seems, at my school in the Philippines.  I knew I was in college though, and I was running for ASB president that year.  There were four positions to be filled, and it just so happened that only one person running for each, so there was no competition.  The elections were to take place that day, in front of an auditorium filled with students, faculty from my college now, my current mentor, and interestingly enough, my high school science teacher.  I didn't want to go to the meeting too early so I sat on a nearby picnic table, which felt like Caltech, and I was talking to some people, although I can't remember their faces.  Because I was so wrapped up in conversation, I lost track of the time, and before I knew it, I had to run to the auditorium because I was late.  My arrival was met with disapproving eyes.  I soon learned that all the candidates were late to the meeting.  Some things happened, which I can't quite remember, but I knew I was investigating a serious crime of some sort.  I figured out the suspects--a male and a female student of the school--and because of this, they were hunting me down.  After a day of running from the both of them, I come home to what looked like a hotel room.  My mom was waiting for me, lying in bed watching TV.  She was very warm and happy and bubbly that she made me forget all my worries.  I crashed into bed right next to her and hugged her, with my head on her shoulders.  She wrapped her arms around me too and comforted me with her smile, her warmth, and her words.  But then I remembered that my mom's left arm was swollen as a result of a complication with her lymph nodes and she had trouble moving it at all.  I was confused and I wondered to myself where she's been all these years and how her arm was healed.  She was so full of life in my dream that I forget the reality that she passed away five years ago...  

Mama is here.  She's still here, alive and well, in our hearts, in our thoughts, and in our dreams.  Death separates the living from the dead--that much is true.  But their essence and their spirit lingers on in the memories of those who love them.  One day, my dad, my sister, and myself will be reunited with Mama.  This is our belief, the promise of salvation to those who accept Christ as Lord and Savior.  Death is not a culmination but a promotion.  It is not an end but a new beginning.  Most people fear death, but to those who have received eternal life, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  Until we meet again, Mama... thank you for being such an inspiration and for being such a comfort to me, even now.

Mighty Optical Illusions

Bored?  Taking a break?  Looking for something to do?  Here's a pretty awesome optical illusion site... this kept my sister and I occupied for a good 2 or 3 hours yesterday... Mighty Optical Illusions!

From "Quote of the Day"

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."    [Carl Jung]

Laughs and Memories

Every single day that I've been here, my sister and I get a fit of uncontrollable laughter at least once a day.  The talks, the laughs, the memories, and even the times we end up annoying each other.  This is what I miss.  This is what I love.  I love spending time with her, finding happiness in the little things and enjoying each other's company.  I love her.

Dream Diary #5

...and the dreams keep on coming.  Fairly interesting ones too, recently...

The dream took place at a party, in an old mansion of some sort.  It felt connected to school somehow, and I think I remember vaguely worrying about my grades during the party.  People from church were at this party, and out of all of them, there were two people in particular who I kept running into.  It just so happens that these two were the ones I most wanted to avoid and want nothing to do with at all, whatsoever.  Every time I ran into him or her, this irresistible anger rose up inside me and I threw a punch.  My punches hit their mark every time, and all of them were hits to the face, either to the center of the face, their left eye, or upwards hitting their jaw.  She acted like I was the scum of the earth, not worthy of her presence, and several times during the dream, she walked away and left him to deal with me.  The interesting thing is, none of the punches hurt me and it didn't seem to hurt them either.  What does this all mean?!?!  Seriously, this one, I want to know...

Hello Winter Break!

Fall semester ended last Wednesday, and after moving out of the dorms and heading back home to Walnut for a couple of days, I headed up to Northern California to be with my dad and my sister for the holidays.  And now that the constant buzzing of academics has ceased in my mind, I finally get the chance to do some soul-searching.  I believe that life is a process, and as individuals, we must learn to evolve accordingly.  Every once in a while, I make it a point to stop and dig deep into my soul and figure out where I am as a person, at that point in time.

Up until about this past summer, I felt like faith and spirituality made up an integral part of my life.  As a science major and a philosophy minor, I felt like my academics were reinforcing my faith.  I still feel like that sometimes, but at this point, to be completely honest with myself, my personal spirituality is wavering.  It hit me when Momma Bear and I were discussing a dream I once had, and her interpretation involved a commentary on faith.  She said that faith internalized does not need to be so actively verbalized.  Do I believe in God?  Yes. Do I believe Jesus did for me?  Yes.  Do I believe I am saved, and if I were to die this very moment, I'm heaven-bound?  Absolutely.  By simple definition, this makes me a Christian.  But why do I feel like an outsider looking in?

I think my choice of church is affecting my spirituality.  In fact, I'm almost 99% sure of it.  I would rather go to some other church, like Calvary or Lake Avenue, than to go back to my "home church."  My heart still seeks God, but the antics, the rituals, the pomp and circumstance, the insincerity and hypocrisy I see at that church which I once considered to be home just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  I want God without the clutter.  I cannot let this get in the way of my salvation.  Faith, to me, is a walk with God, and while it helps to have a Christian community, it is not a requirement.  I do see a spiritual community, because at this point the one I have now is not contributing to my spiritual and personal growth.  I long for something similar to CCF, this Christian group at Caltech.  I am at a stage right now where I am not self-sufficient, spiritually, and finding sources of support would be wonderful.  That statement is difficult for me to admit.  I know my aunts and uncles are there for me, but at this point, what I really seek is a group of my own peers.

This break is going to be hectic for a number of reasons, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  Soul-searching is an exhausting and unpredictable thing!  Perhaps, soon enough, it'll have me longing for the structure of academia once again...

Relationships and Judgments

As I sat on the train up to Northern California to see my family, I had a very long time to think (and sleep).  At one point, I was trying to figure out what kind of people I surround myself with.  Relationships fascinate me.  How do they start?  How do they continue?  What breaks this special bond?  This reflection was brought about by the end of the semester, saying goodbye to my dear friends as we all go our separate ways for winter break.  It sounds overly dramatic, I know.  But at a small college like mine, I see the same beautiful faces everyday, and this semester especially brought us all closer together.  It's strange not having them around, not having Danielle down the hall or Mila in lab or Kasey sitting at her desk or Marina in her chair.  It's strange not to have random floaters like Bianca or Zoila or Tameka walk into lab to hang out for a while.  All this reminded me of something I am already well-aware of: I am blessed to have such an incredibly amazing and diverse group of people around me.  But I also catch a glimpse of other people's relationships with their families and their friends and how that aspect of their lives function.  

Last semester, Contemporary Moral Problems was my second least favorite class to go to.  (Instrumental Methods of Analysis took first place in that category by the end of the semester.)  But even though I disliked the class, I did pick up on some things that made me stop and think.  Our professor once brought up the issue of judgment.  We are told that it is wrong to judge someone.  Do you judge?  Some people would be inclined to say no, they don't judge.  But we all do.  We judge who we associate ourselves with, what kind of community we live in, what kind of atmosphere we place ourselves in, everyday.  In making these decisions and many more, we construct a specific kind of life for ourselves, and we make numerous judgment calls along the way.

I've known for some years now that I have been blessed with two amazing lifelong friends.  I also know that it is another blessing to have people around me that don't party their lives away and have the responsibility to keep their priorities straight.  From an outside perspective, people may be inclined to say I choose to be around "perfect" people, people who are smart, rich, over-achieving, or "angels."  I found this to be false.  It's not that my friends were all raised right or had a good childhood or had access to all the resources they needed.  It's not that they never have fun and they live boring, strictly academic lives.  No, this is not the case.

The only common factor so far that I've been able to put my finger on is this: They all hold themselves to a higher standard.  They don't need mom or dad to push them to do well.  Of course, everyone has their days when they need that extra encouragement, but for the most part, these people are self-sufficient, self-motivating, and all pursuing their passions and dreams not for anyone else but for the betterment of themselves.  And I guess everything else falls into place.  In pursuit of this goal, they must be responsible, able to prioritize and live a well-balanced life, be open-minded and yet uphold their own set of values and morals.  In order words, they know how to get their life together.  Not that their life is always smooth sailing, but in times of trouble, they are mature enough to know how to handle the pressure.  Pretty cool, huh?  So thank you, thank you, to the people around me.  You all contribute, whether great or small, to my walk of life, and it is because of these characteristics that I'm able to stay grounded.

Dream Diary #4

Last night, I had a dream I thought was worth posting up here.

I was pregnant, in my first trimester, and everyone including me was happy about the pregnancy.  There were people around me all the time, friends that come and go to share their love and support.  But some of these people, I've never met before, although I knew in the dream that we were supposed to be really good friends.  Even the father of my child was a stranger to me.  Looking back at the dream now, I knew there was a problem with him, but I can't quite recall what it was.  I had a baby shower, and everyone was happy at the party.  But then toward the end of the night, I remembered I recently had my period, and I wondered what that meant for the baby.  Then I get a call from my sister telling me not to panic but our dog Milo was sick and they've taken him to the animal hospital.  Then the dream ended.  Strange, huh?

Thoughts?  Comments?

Two years from now, in a perfect world...

...I would have already graduated at the top of my class.  I work hard for this.  That would be MY moment.  I don't want anyone there to screw things up.  With that said, only my dad and my sister are invited from Nor Cal.  There.  I said it.

...I would be going to a prestigious med school/grad school program.  (Let's go, Caltech, let's go!)  My housing, tuition, healthcare, fees, etc. would be completely paid for... AND with a stipend, to top it all off!  In a perfect, perfect world, I would be in a legit MD/PhD program... yeah yuhhh!

...my dad would have a more stable job.  I would be living in my own apartment with my little sister, because I so desperately want to rescue her from that hell hole that she lives in now.  My family would be so much happier and free from drama queens and complications that make our lives even more stressful than it already is.  (Lemme tell ya... those Disney fairytales about the evil stepmother?  They exist.  No lie.)  In a perfect, perfect world, we'd all be together.  Who cares about money or material things?  I mean this when I say family is more important than all of that.  We got along just fine before--no money, not much of a house, just each other.  In many ways, much better than how things are now, that's for sure.

...my sister would be going to Bishop Amat High School, where I went.  I would be helping put her through school.  It'll be tough, but one way or another, we'll do it.

Sooo... that's just a rough draft of what my personal goals and dreams are for the near-ish future.  Only God knows how my life will actually play out.  Looking back at just the past three years, it's been such a crazy, insane roller coaster!  Life never turns out quite exactly how I planned or imagined it, but in a lot of ways, reality was actually much better.  

I wanted to finish high school as a valedictorian, just as Mama and I dreamed when I was little.  I was named Salutatorian, even though I did get the top GPA of my graduating class (weird selection policy...).  

I wanted to go to a big-name college as a pre-med student.  I didn't even want to apply to Mount St. Mary's College, but they ended up giving me a full-scholarship.  Now, I switched my major to Biochemistry with a minor in Philosophy, and I can't believe I now want to ultimately be an MD/PhD.  I have to admit, I've fallen in love with the school and everything about it, and I cannot imagine being anywhere else and having a better college experience.

These are just a few examples... but the point is, though my life hasn't played out exactly as I've envisioned it, where I am today still maintains the essence of the goals and dreams and visions for myself.  And if the future is anything like how my life has been so far, it's gonna be one heck of a rough ride, but at the end of the day, I'll still be able to fulfill the essence of these goals and dreams in the future.  Who knows, right?  We'll just have to wait and see!