Hello Winter Break!

Fall semester ended last Wednesday, and after moving out of the dorms and heading back home to Walnut for a couple of days, I headed up to Northern California to be with my dad and my sister for the holidays.  And now that the constant buzzing of academics has ceased in my mind, I finally get the chance to do some soul-searching.  I believe that life is a process, and as individuals, we must learn to evolve accordingly.  Every once in a while, I make it a point to stop and dig deep into my soul and figure out where I am as a person, at that point in time.

Up until about this past summer, I felt like faith and spirituality made up an integral part of my life.  As a science major and a philosophy minor, I felt like my academics were reinforcing my faith.  I still feel like that sometimes, but at this point, to be completely honest with myself, my personal spirituality is wavering.  It hit me when Momma Bear and I were discussing a dream I once had, and her interpretation involved a commentary on faith.  She said that faith internalized does not need to be so actively verbalized.  Do I believe in God?  Yes. Do I believe Jesus did for me?  Yes.  Do I believe I am saved, and if I were to die this very moment, I'm heaven-bound?  Absolutely.  By simple definition, this makes me a Christian.  But why do I feel like an outsider looking in?

I think my choice of church is affecting my spirituality.  In fact, I'm almost 99% sure of it.  I would rather go to some other church, like Calvary or Lake Avenue, than to go back to my "home church."  My heart still seeks God, but the antics, the rituals, the pomp and circumstance, the insincerity and hypocrisy I see at that church which I once considered to be home just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  I want God without the clutter.  I cannot let this get in the way of my salvation.  Faith, to me, is a walk with God, and while it helps to have a Christian community, it is not a requirement.  I do see a spiritual community, because at this point the one I have now is not contributing to my spiritual and personal growth.  I long for something similar to CCF, this Christian group at Caltech.  I am at a stage right now where I am not self-sufficient, spiritually, and finding sources of support would be wonderful.  That statement is difficult for me to admit.  I know my aunts and uncles are there for me, but at this point, what I really seek is a group of my own peers.

This break is going to be hectic for a number of reasons, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  Soul-searching is an exhausting and unpredictable thing!  Perhaps, soon enough, it'll have me longing for the structure of academia once again...