In the stillness of the night

I just got back from a church camping trip this weekend to Gaviota State Park. There were about a hundred of us altogether at this camp, and it was fun to see everyone doing their own thing, campsite-hopping, and running into familiar faces everywhere. It felt like a huge neighborhood party, a weekend-long fiesta similar to the ones back in the Philippines, where people would go from one house to the next and just enjoy each other's company. The campground was about a minute's walk away from the ocean and the fishing pier. The beach was tucked away in the middle of two major rock formations, making it quite serene and private. It was the perfect place for introspection, meditation, reflection, and relaxation. The sound of the roaring waves lulled us to sleep at night, and we woke up (earlier than I'd like haha) to the sound of cheery familiar voices outside. Pretty awesome, I'd say.

It was wonderful hanging out with friends, bonding with new friends, and reconnecting some broken ties. Saturday morning, right after breakfast, I headed to the beach, climbed onto the rocks looking out into the horizon and watched the waves crash onto the shores as I spent time with God. It was absolutely stunning, a quiet retreat to be alone and away from reality. I joined my friends afterward and enjoyed the beach. Personally, I think some of life's greatest treasures are laughing freely and sharing precious memories with friends. Of course, who could resist trying to catch your friends off guard and tackling them into the water? Sandballs whizzed through the air, sometimes hitting innocent bystanders, but often hitting their desired target. After lunch, we spent a lazy afternoon sitting under the shade hanging out by our tents, breaking out into any song upon anyone's request. Later on in the day, my bestie and I made our way back to the top of the rocks again, talking, laughing, and enjoying the gorgeous view. We then walked to the pier to see if our friends managed to catch some fish, then walked back to camp and had dinner. After dinner, my friends and I walked back to the beach in the darkness of night, this time climbing up the rocks on the other side. Up to that point, I was having a good time, feeling relaxed, when all of a sudden, this intense frustration and restlessness crept up inside of me. I couldn't figure out what it was about. My mind was blank, yet there as something that deeply troubled me. We spent a few more quiet moments by the rocks, stood up on the lifeguard post for a while, then went back to camp, still with that unsettled feeling within me.

The day before we left for camp, my prayer was for God to speak to me, and for me to be still and listen to His voice. Well, this is a testimony that God does speak to people, even in modern times, and that He does answer prayers. Saturday was the fulfillment of the idea that we should "pray without ceasing." Yes, I had lots of fun and did all sorts of things, but the day was spent in constant communication with God. By the end of the day, the words He spoke to me that have, quite frankly, befuddled my mind.

The easy path is not always the way to go.

There are many ways out. It may not be the first you try, but there is always a way out.

Some stars shine brighter than others. They're just stars... they won't last forever, but remember that they're there, even if you don't see them.

...uhm yes. Exactly... So... what does that mean again? Right. Remember the unsettled feeling? I guess part of that was trying to figure all this out in my mind. I laid out on a picnic table and looked up and the stars, and I hear God telling me something I don't want to hear, something I really don't want to deal with. He said, "I'm sending your ex to you. Talk to him." HA! Woo, Daddy's got jokes. Really now? It was past midnight, and my ex was back at the campsite. I was by the beach. That wasn't about to happen. Basically, I ignored it. Lo and behold, about 20 minutes later, my ex passes by, sees me, and immediately senses something's wrong. He insisted I walk with him, and I burst into tears, unexpectedly. It was one of those moments where my will went against God's will. My heart and mind rebelled. Out of all the people at that camp, why would I want to talk to this guy, who I haven't had a real conversation with in about a year? And yet God spoke, and He spoke clearly. So I went and sat with him by the pier, telling him that God wants me to talk to him that night. (Yes, okay. I know it sounds crazy, but this is seriously a legitimate experience for me, so by this point, if you feel like I'm not making sense, or I was high, or going insane when all this happened, you're more than welcome to stop reading.)

So there we were, with me basically asking God why oh why I was sitting with my ex, alone, by the pier, at that late hour. To make the long and winding story short, God's voice came to me again, so clear that I could not doubt it. "Forgive him." And why would I do that? I was perfectly content being where I am, feeling the way I do about him, holding a bit of a grudge for all the hurt he's caused me, and being instantly irritated at the sight of him. By this point, I was completely over him, I've analyzed the why's and how's and what if's of the break up, I've moved forward, and I can honestly say I've never been happier with how my life is going overall. But it wasn't until that night that felt God's reminder to forgive him for everything he's done in the past, like it was the final piece of the puzzle, the key to fully closing that chapter. And so at 2 am, my ex and I talked, apologized for how we both acted after the break up, and most importantly, forgave, hugged, and ended on good terms.

Today, Sunday, we had our service at the beach, which was definitely a good change, and of course, since we're so Filipino (it's ridiculous) about a hundred pictures were taken afterward. As for the three "revelations," I guess you can call them that, they hold a special meaning and personal meaning to me, but feel free to try to "interpret" and let me know what you think. I'd definitely find that interesting. Sorry, this is kind of a long one. It was an eventful weekend, and trust me, this isn't even everything. It was an amazing experience to be out in nature and away from the hustle bustle of city life, and though I really miss the campsite already, I have to admit I can't do without my creature comforts for too long. So now, I'm back in my dorm with a pile of work to do, and I seem to have left my brain somewhere on the beach, because I'm extremely lagging it right now. Gah, okay okay, back to work I go!

Hello Fall 2009...

The first thing I learned this semester: There's no such thing as a first week of school for a science major. Note that just last Thursday, I was giving my oral presentation at Caltech for Seminar Day. Then Friday, I packed and moved out of Caltech. On Saturday, there was a little get-together at our house, swimming, good food, good company, and Jerah taught me how to play the guitar! Move-in day at Mount St. Mary's College was on Sunday, so right after our church service, I moved into my single and unpacked my stuff. Then the next day, Monday, was the first day of school. Ay nako!

The first class of the week was biochemistry. So I have this thing where I have to "mark my territory," so to speak. My friend and I get somewhat possessive of our seats in class. Yes, laugh, go ahead. My theory is that if we go to class as early as possible and claim our seats for about a week or two, then it will be made clear to everyone that we've marked our spots. I know, I know, it's a little silly, but I'm happy to report that my friends and I have been able to "claim" our seats for two classes now... Okay, enough about that. Right from the get go, we already started with a lecture, and on top of that, later in the day, we had the lab period for biochem also, which we spent working out calculations. I'm also in Scientific Method (since I'm a philosophy minor as well), and the first question we were set out to ponder was "what makes a science?". Sure, it sounds simple enough, but be warned, it's been three days since, and we still haven't come up with a conclusion. It's quite annoying, actually. I've never had to think about that, and it's really frustrating to come up with an answer, then think about it more and realize it doesn't fit. So basically, first day of school equals "Welcome back. Now turn on your brain and work." blah!

My goal for this semester (and beyond) is to be a much better student than I was before. For example, cracking open the textbook might be a good place to start. I've never had the patience to actually read the textbook before this semester, but I'm actually off to a good start so far... I'm taking research a lot more seriously this semester and for the rest of my time here at MSMC. Psh, I ran two gels on our 2nd day back from summer break! I'm now working on my own project, carried over from the summer, involving DNA mismatches and oxidative DNA damage. I'm also collaborating with my friend on a similar project, and might also be helping with a collaboration project between MSMC and UCLA. So exciting! Let's dooo this! I'm also trying to take better care of myself, make better food choices, sleep better, get more exercise, that stuff. Doing good in that department also. And the most important part, I'm also trying to be a better Christian, not only by living my life for God and working on starting a youth group on campus, but also by being more disciplined and really taking time each day to commune with my God. Doing well there too. So I guess the overall goal of this semester (and the rest of the year... and my life, I guess?) is to be an overall better person. Nice thought, but I know it requires that I actively work on improving myself... It's not impossible, and fairly doable... let's see how this goes!

Jeremiah 33:3

A few days ago, my brain was subconsciously flipping through every experiment I've done over the summer, all the results we got, trying to rationalize and justify some of the conclusions we've arrived at for my upcoming presentation. As I was doing so, frustrated, exhausted, and dealing with an pre-headache, I realized something. Researchers, men and women of science, listen up!

I've always treated my research and my faith as two separate entities. It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized the link between the two. God is all-knowing. All knowledge and wisdom comes from Him. As researchers and men and women of science, we are literally at the cutting-edge of technology, boldly daring to understand and discover what the world knows not of, to this point. That's exciting! But being a researcher myself, I know how it's like, repeating experiments, staring at data, wracking your brain trying to figure out what's wrong with your experimental design, why your data's a little funky, why it doesn't seem to be making sense. I've realized that in these moments, we need to remember it is a privelege for our God to share even a fraction of His vast knowledge with mere humans such as us. In those times we do arrive at solid conclusions, discover new things, and get concrete results, it's not because of our own efforts, no. It's because at that point, God has chosen to enlighten us to an aspect of His great knowledge and revealed just another little fraction of information that we didn't previously know. This reminds me of this verse:

"Call unto Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."
--Jeremiah 33:3

It's pretty cool... I've really never thought of it that way until now. As for me, what I've learned is when the data makes no sense, pray about it, and see if God will grant us an insight to His great knowledge that we previously couldn't comprehend. Last week of research at Caltech! The summer's been an amazing experience I'll never forget. I found a wonderful Christian community where I least expected it, and it's been an overall positive experience for me. God bless everyone who's trying to finish up their projects and prepare for the oral presentations, posters, and final papers!

The Sweetest Sound of All

With my eyes closed and hands lifted up in praise and worship during yesterday's service, we sang "You Stand Alone," by Hillsong United.

I will lay me down at Your feet in worship

And listen to the sweetest sound of all

I'm the first to admit this is one of my greatest struggles--placing God's will above my own. It's been an interesting journey, and there have been many forks in the road so far. In times when I would "justify" my will was God's will, things might start out great, but in they end, they get a little rough. More often though, I find myself walking down this path God cleared before me and being completely annoyed at first that I didn't get what I wanted. Strangely enough, God's blessings and promises have been fulfilled through those paths. Only then would I realize the all-encompassing wisdom behind that decision, why I was there in that place and time, why my desires fell horribly short of God's will for me.

In today's world, it's pretty difficult to find quiet and peace. Street noises, people, electronic devices, the sights and sounds of the modern era--these all make it hard to listen for that still, small voice... the sweetest sound of all. Distractions are everywhere, and it's just as difficult to find that quiet time to devote to Him (of which I'm also guilty of, trust me). Just as you can't expect to be best friends with an acquaintance by talking to them once a year, the same holds true for our walk with God. How could you truly know Him and His desires for you if you don't put in the time and effort to spend time with Him? It'll be a struggle, that's for sure, but some of the sweetest things in life don't come easy. It takes real, genuine attention and hard work. And this, of all relationships, should be the most important one. All other bonds will fade, but your relationship with God is the only eternal one. Literally. Give our God and Savior King the time, love, attention, and devotion He deserves.

These past two weeks, I learned...

Research has been a ridiculous trip... First of all, it took about two months to finish purifying the DNA just to get to the point where we use it for our experiments. Since it took us longer than expected to finish getting the materials ready, all other deadlines were set back, and so I've had to power through experiment after experiment everyday for the past two weeks. It's pretty exhausting, I've gotta say. Especially since my results haven't been quite what has been expected, and all the repetition and fine-tuning that's involved in research. It's easy to get swept up in the negative results, and get discouraged. For a while, I've gotta admit, that's how I've been feeling. Do I really have to do all this? Why can't we just bend the results a little bit, to support the conclusions we've predicted? Why do I need to repeat everything? Why is this taking forever? Research is awesome, as long as everything goes smoothly and according to plan. When it doesn't, however, it could get pretty emotionally and physically draining. One of the questions of this summer that I've been trying to figure out is if a life of research is meant for me. The fact that I've been feeling this way just makes me think twice about going into research as my career. At the same time, I'm trying to differentiate between my temporary, "in-the-moment" attitudes and my genuine emotions about research.

As I sat on the shuttle last Friday on the way up to Chalon, I had a moment of clarity. I can't just give up on this. I can't just stop and quit. There is a reason why my mentor has entrusted me with this particular project in our research group. No one's ever worked on this project before, and that thought rekindled a sense of responsibility and passion within me. It's not that I feel obligated to finish it. It's not that I'm being forced to work on it. I'm a passionate person, overall, and I hate doing something if I can't put my entire heart into it. In my heart, I thought, "This is exciting stuff. I have to do all I can to figure out what's going on here, and further this research as much as I can. It doesn't matter if the experiments go wrong one after the other. It doesn't matter how much work, time, and effort I have to put into this project. I have to and I want to work on this because this is what I love to do, and it's important to me." These past two weeks, I learned not to be so quickly discouraged in research when things go wrong, and to find a point to which I could stay passionate. Because as I've heard from multiple researchers at Caltech during my summer internship, it's not uncommon to get only one good result out of very, very many repetitions of experiments.

Yup, so that's my life in research, with this precious lesson learned within the past two weeks. I've earned a renewed respect for researchers everywhere, and I'm seriously beginning to realize exactly how much work goes into every result, every major discovery, every paper, every talk. Mad props to anyone working in any area of the research field, forreal!

Movie Marathon and Water Wars

I've gotta say, I think I'm rekindling some of that love I have for my home church... Last Sunday, after the service, our church decided to have "water wars," and I thought, well, I doubt it'll be anything crazy... but I might as well bring extra clothes... just in case.

Wooooo! That was so much fun! Literally anything that can be used to carry water is a weapon--buckets, guns, balloons, cups, water bottles, garden hoses, etc! Everything--and everyone--was soaking wet, no joke! It was a good bonding experience, at least for me, to have a fun, non-threatening way of reestablishing friendships and relationships with the people I felt I was drifting away slowly from. That was the day I realized that I wasn't as isolated as I thought I was, and in reality, though I'm not quite sure what's going on with a fraction of the group, my girls are still my girls, and our friendship remains. It was incredibly fun to just let loose, dump a bucket of water on someone's head, and try to run away as they attempt to retaliate!

It was a pretty awesome weekend, actually. I went home to my family on Friday night, and we grabbed a quick dinner from Tommy Pastrami and ate by Newport Beach, then had some frozen bananas and frozen cheesecake from Balboa Island. Saturday was a good day as well. Five cool people I know are having their birthday soon, and I went to the mall to shop for their gifts. Then I came over my best friend's house to have a romantic comedy movie marathon day with her folks... just nice to relax, sit, and watch for a change.

Romantic comedies are interesting, especially Tagalog ones! Tagalog romantic comedies all tend to work out perfectly for the main characters. More likely than not, I'll finish watching a Tagalog movie with a big, silly smile across my heart. Movies, in general, are interesting. Why is it that whenever we watch a movie, we know (for the most part) who the main character should end up with, and have a good idea of how the plot would and should unfold? And why is it that this doesn't apply to real life, at all? I guess movies know how to direct your focus to the parts of life that are essential to the progression of its plot. Why does it seem so much harder to pick those moments out in everyday life? Why is real life so different from what we see in movies? More importantly, would we honestly want a life that is "movie-perfect"? I personally don't. The term, "too good to be true" was not coined just for fun. It's true. All things considered, I love my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's, even if that means I'll have to await in patient wonder what each day brings, and the future lays before me like a long stretch of mist and cloud.

That's about all the thinking that my brain is letting me do right now, but it's an interesting topic, no? I'm not sure I'm done commenting on this... I might post a continuation of this later on... good night!

Song of the Day: "Bless the Broken Road"

Yes, why am I up at 3am, you say? No idea. I gotta get up in 3 hours. I think the responsible thing to do is to go to sleep after this haha... Song of the day, again, brought to you because Pandora is amazing! Beautiful lyrics, captivated me, "Bless the Broken Road," by Rascal Flatts... enjoy!

Mix-ups, cupcakes, and $2 meals

So more often than I would like to admit, I have my silly "wow Anne, really?" moments. Take today, for example.

As of now, my goal after I finish undergrad is to apply for the MD/PhD program, particularly the ones offered between Caltech and USC or UCLA. Since I'm currently working at Caltech, the Student-Faculty Program office made it possible for myself and five other students to have lunch with the person in charge of the program. We individually wrote our orders on the order sheet (as is the custom for this restaurant) and begin our discussions while waiting. The food came, and little did I know that our speaker and I ordered the same thing, except mine was a half-sandwich, and his was the full plate. Long story short, to my very great distress and embarrassment, I failed to notice the waiters switched our portions, and I ended up eating the order meant for our speaker. Way to go, Anne... first impression FAIL! haha luckily he was good humored enough to shrug it off, and helped himself to the other half of my (well, HIS, actually) sandwich. Oh brother...

The rest of the day was pleasant enough. I've been blessed with a kind and thoughtful mentor, who happens to spontaneously bring goodies to lab on random occasions, such as today. Cupcakes from Crumbs... yuuum! He brought a red velvet and a Reese's cupcake, to share between me and a former student of his, and my friend, who also works at Caltech. I have a thing for red velvet cupcakes, with cream cheese icing, but I'm generally easy to get along with, so when she said she wanted the red velvet, I really didn't mind.

I went to dinner at one of the nearby restaurants with my friends from my youth group here on campus. This restaurant gave out a special for Caltech students and workers, $2 for a burger, fries, and a drink... pretty good deal, in my opinion! I like their company, and they've welcomed me warmly as part of their group, even though I'm only around for a total of 10 weeks in the summer. And afterwards, we had what they call "ninesing," which is praise and worship under the stars, at 9pm, sitting on the bridge over Millikan Pond with our feet in the water, if we so choose... so calm, serene, and beautiful!

It's been the best summer of my life so far, all things considered. I'm gonna miss the new life I've experienced here this summer, and the company of the people I got to meet in such a brief amount of time. Part of me wishes I didn't have to leave in a few weeks, and I could be part of this community as well as my own community at my own school...

Song of the Day: "Someone"

I was working in lab today, alone, and I put on Pandora like I normally do... on the Musiq Soulchild station this time and this song starts to play. I never really paid attention to the words until today, and well *sigh* It's beautiful, I LOVE IT! I wish I could play an instrument! Maybe I'll try to learn this song, just this song... it's worth it, I think!

Well, the original version talks about a girl, but well, I switched it up a bit, and made my own version of it (changes are in bold print). Here goes! "Someone", by Musiq Soulchild, with my slight revisions.

Here's Passion's cover of this song. (Passion, by the way, is also AMAZING! Check him out! YouTube username: passionsf)  Enjoy!

I never wanted a man that wanted

Me for my name or material things, see

I always hope for a man that’s so sure

Emotionally secure, with spiritual faith

A man that I can trust with all of my secrets

And even listen to all of my issues

A man who never judge

Me or how I was

He deals with me strictly through love

Chorus:

Someone who will put up with the things

Loving me can bring

But still be there to see us through

Someone who would put up

With the strange and complicated things

Cause I would do the same for him too

Someone who I can be real with

Ain’t gotta be perfect

Because loving one another is all that matters

It’s not hard to explain

So believe me when I say

That I’ve found all of that in you

All that I hope for, a friendship that’s so pure

A guy I can talk to about whatever is on my heart

A man that needs me

That trust and believes me

That won’t take my kindness as some kind of weakness

A man who bares his soul, who’s willing to let go

A man who respects me and knows how to take control

And when I am feeling down

Cause things are going wrong

He fills me up and makes me feel strong

Chorus

You are that someone who loves me

Through all my imperfections

You know my heart is filled with nothing but good intentions

You are the one that told me

Long as we got us

Nothing matters

You are the one that sees the joy through the pain

You are my light through the rain

Here and now

Boy, I am saying it’s you

You’re my heart

It’s you

You’re that someone I can truly say that I’ll never find another love like you

Dream Diary #1

I have some pretty strange, random, and interesting dreams quite often, and most of the time, I'm able to tell myself to remember enough of the details to ponder when I wake up. So I thought I would post them here, as a bit of a Dream Diary, so I can look back on them too, whenever I feel like it.

About a month ago, I dreamt of my own wedding, with my best friends standing by my side as the bridal entourage. I've brought up this idea of taking away the typical maid of honor and bridesmaids in place of an entourage which include my dearest and closest friends. I specifically remember seeing both of my high school best friends beside me in my dream, and that was a comfort to see them there. During the reception, we had the Filipino tradition of the money dance. The money dance is when the guests line up to dance with either the bride or the groom, and pin money to the bridal gown or the suit of the groom. I dance with someone very dear to my heart, whispering "I love you" in their ear in a lighthearted way. Instead of dancing the waltz or something, our dance turned into a warm embrace, swaying side to side. And the dream ended.

Two nights ago, I had another dream, this time more random, and with less details that I could remember. There were two things in the dream that stuck to me: a kiss and flooding water. At some point in my dream, I remember kissing someone who gave me the feeling of warmth and familiarity. Who's the guy? I really have no idea. I've tried to revisit the dream in my mind, but no luck there. In another part of my dream, I'm standing on a plain, flat, concrete floor, and as I look ahead of me, water rushes up into a gentle flood toward me from the end of the hallway.

I like dreams. They're so interesting! And oober random too!

Back home from Las Vegas!

After weeks of looking forward to it, our little family vacation is over, and it's back to reality, back to the real world of our everyday lives--and that's okay! It's nice to get away, and YES, sometimes we just NEED to snap out of the routine to keep ourselves from going absolutely insane. This is especially true in the summertime! Vegas was fun and relaxing, and I had lots of laughs and shared memories with people I love. I'm glad to be back though--no place like home, that's true for sure!

Something's been on my mind for a few weeks now, and I find myself absentmindedly thinking this topic through over and over again in my spare time. The long drive to Vegas was perfect for thinking (and sleeping!), so in those moments I was conscious, I found myself staring out the window and honestly pondering this little thing called love.

What about love? What is love? How does it start, and how does it end? How can something that starts off as vividly and passionately as a fairytale romance end up as torturous and bloody as a scene from a horror film? How do two strangers "find" each other? How do connections begin? How do two people fall so deeply in love despite fully understanding each others' flaws and peculiarities? How does a friendship turn into something deeper? And when is it worth it to take that jump, to take that risk to decide to be "more than friends?" And even if you do find that special someone, could love really stand the test of time?

I believe the desire to be loved is part of human nature, as is the desire to have "someone." If you stop and think about this, it could get pretty overwhelming. Out of 6 billion folks living on this planet, we're supposed to find "the One"? So given that the world population is half male and half female, this gives everyone about a 1 in 3 billion chance of finding that One. Okay. Agreed. I exaggerate. But cooome on... does anyone else see how mind-blowing and absolutely amazing it is that people find each other?!?! It's ridiculous! And yet I've been blessed with countless examples of strong and happy marriages in my personal life... so it's definitely possible!

Here's my take on this. I believe God has made someone just for me, who won't serve the purpose of making me feel "complete" (because I should feel complete all on my own), but will stand as a good balance, complementing my personality and just being the perfect blend of the little things I love, need, want, and look for in a good man. And I also believe that at some point in time, this man's path will cross my own, since we were fated to be together.

Sounds too much like a fairytale? Sometimes I admit, it does, but I still believe it. I mean, I'm not sitting in my room, looking outside my window for Mr. Right to come walking down the street and knocking on the door. Of course, I'm living my life and seeing the opportunities the world has to offer. I'm not gonna trying to be a hypocrite though. I'll be the first to admit there are those times where it just gets to you, all this stuff. When is he gonna come? How am I gonna know he's the One? What if I'm wrong? Am I willing to put my heart on the line this time? At this point, I really don't know what I'm thinking. I have a feeling this topic's gonna be in my head for quite a while still, and I'll definitely post more about it here, when I get the chance. As for now, here are a few quotes I've come across that I've found quite interesting. Enjoy!

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him to find her.

I build walls around my heart not to isolate myself, but to see who's willing to go through the trouble of climbing the walls to reach my heart.