From "Beloved," by Toni Morrison

...me and you, we got more yesterday than anybody. We need some kind of tomorrow.  [Paul D.]

Welcome, welcome to A Beautiful Mess!

As you can see, I've totally revamped my blog site--different background, different template, different tagline, different name?!?!  No instantaneous epiphanies, no blog-changing moment that made me decide to change it.  I just felt like it was time for a change.  My life experiences over the past few years have taught me to embrace change.  Change could end up to be good or bad, and depending on the situation, it can be scary too, but change is an inevitable aspect of life.

I've also made it a habit to periodically reflect on certain aspects of my life.  Am I doing well in this area?  Is this working out?  Does this still apply to me, or have I evolved since my last reflection?  Have I maintained the essence of who I am, or have I lost myself?  Is it time for change?  Self-evaluations and soul-searching have become a part of me, and I think it's a good way for me to see whether I'm evolving into the person I intend to be.  The goal is to evolve without losing the essence of who I am.

The revised title of my blog, "A Beautiful Mess," is inspired by this song by Jason Mraz.  (I actually wrote a post about it last month.)  First off, I love this song.  Also, as the tagline states, "Life doesn't always go as planned, but there is beauty and purpose to all things and all situations."  I've found this to be very true in my own life experiences.  Of course, it's horrible while I'm actually in that moment of turmoil, when I feel like everything around me is spinning out of control.  But when I  reflect on those moments, I recognize their beauty and purpose.  When the chaos has passed and I see how life unraveled from that point to the present, I begin to see why it happened, why it had to happen that way, how I reacted to the situation, and how that shaped me into the person I am now.  There is a certain serenity and inner peace that settles in.  

Two days ago, I was browsing through my blog--the name, the tagline, the background elements.  I felt like I needed a "better fit" for my life, that what once worked might not apply anymore.  It was time for change.  As I evolve, so will my thoughts, and so will my perspectives on life.  To a certain extent, the evolution of this blog serves as a reflection of my continuous evolution as a person.

NASA Scientists Plan to Approach Girl by 2018

I just had to repost this video.  It's so ridiculous, I couldn't stop laughing!  

Warning: This is an insanely nerdy, highly and unnecessarily technical take on a relatively simple, everyday kinda thing.  

Thanks to Dr. Stemp for sending me this video!  And thanks to Hulu and The Onion News Network for hosting this!

I'm proud of myself! So what?

When I receive an award or any type of recognition, 99.9% of the time, it's because I deserve it.  For those of you who know me, you know I work hard for everything I've accomplished so far.  I'm not being conceited.  That's just the plain and honest truth.  If I personally don't believe I deserve an award, I don't acknowledge it and I don't consider it an achievement.  And in my opinion, that has only happened once.  During my freshman year, I received an "Excellence in Calculus" award.  I don't ever bring that up, it's not on my resume, it's not something I felt like I deserved, and to this day, I'm still wondering how in the world I got that award.  No lie, I hate calculus--I was completely oblivious in that class!

With that said, I feel that I have the right to be proud of everything I've accomplished so far.  I'm not one to brag, and public recognitions embarrass me, to be honest.  I never know what to do and I feel like all eyes are watching me.  It's a strange feeling, and it makes me fidgety every single time.  But I do feel that internally, I have a lot to be proud of because I know none of my accomplishments came easily, especially since I've had quite a few extra hurdles I've had to jump over to get to where I am today.  I set my bar just a little bit out of reach every time, so I can challenge myself and my abilities.  Yes, I'm a nerd.  That much is true.  But to think this all comes naturally, no effort required, is completely false.  

And because of all this, I believe I have the right, once in a blue moon, to step back and say, "I've accomplished all that?  Wow, I'm amazing!"  I believe I have the right to be pleased or flattered when someone compliments me or appreciates me.  Is it wrong to be proud of myself, to be confident?  Is it wrong to enjoy my achievements?  I shouldn't have to worry about people rolling their eyes or questioning why me or thinking that I don't deserve the attention or the recognition I get.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who cause drama, those who are jealous, those who resent my success, those who aren't genuine, have a grudge, or whatever it is that's the problem, really.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who don't understand, who are trying to make things out to be more than they are, misconstruing everything, those who think everything is a competition.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who make life more difficult than it already is.  Go ahead, because I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks anyway.  Haters will keep on hating.

I love what I do, and I'm gonna keep on going.  I've been told I'm doing a pretty amazing job so far!  It doesn't really matter if anyone recognizes it or not.  At the end of the day, it matters that I'm happy with myself, with my life.  I have something to be proud of.  Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Christianity, Biochemistry, and Philosophy

These are three topics that supposedly counter each other, yet they all coexist within me.  

This realization hit me as I was reading for Philosophy of Religion.  William James argues that it is the duty of reason (aka philosophy) to strip down the mysteries of religion.  In today's world, the rift between science and faith is progressively emphasized.  Simply put, these three "ways of thinking," if you can call them that, seem like they would continually contradict one another.  But for some reason, they all come together as various aspects that make up who I am.

I'm a Christian and a biochemistry major, with a philosophy minor.  How does that even function?  I'm asking myself this, and right now I don't know the answer.  I'm a little flabbergasted at myself at the moment, to be honest.  (It's a strange feeling, lemme tell ya.)  Maybe I'm just a confused child, overall?  

Maybe philosophy and reason helps me analyze science but leads me to question faith.  

Maybe the empirical foundations of science result in a unique and awesome understanding of the truths upheld by faith, concurrently undermining the free thought that characterizes philosophy.

Maybe religion bridges the gaps that science deem inexplicable and serves as an application of contemplative and sometimes critical thought processes involved in philosophy.

I don't know the answers, but this idea really immersed me in thought just now...

Dream Diary #7

Have you ever had a dream that was going so well you almost wish you didn't have to wake up?  Well, I recently had one of those dreams, where life was unraveling exactly as I wish it would, and honestly, waking up to my complicated reality made me a little bit sad.  I think I know why I had this dream, too.  It was a fusion of wishful thinking and some movies and songs I've been thinking about recently.

It was my graduation day, and my friends and I made our way out of the stadium, ready to celebrate.  Before the ceremony, K came up to me.  I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I knew K told me he wanted to be with me, but now is not the time.  Right now, he needs time to prepare himself, to get his life together.  And then there was P, someone who was ready to love me, right here, right now.  My heart didn't have feelings for P, but I felt like he was someone I could maybe learn to love someday.  

K and P celebrate that night with a couple of my friends, and strangely, we all hang out in a car by the train tracks.  P tried to draw closer, to wrap himself around me.  I hesitated and pulled myself away.  Though I might have considered being with P, my heart clearly lies with K.  I snuggled in closer to K, and there was this new inexplicable feeling between us.  There was warmth, comfort, acceptance, and love.  In my heart, I knew K is the one I was meant to be with.  These faces were blurry in my dream.  Who knows if K and P have their counterparts in my reality?  Maybe they did.  Maybe they already do.  Maybe they will, someday...

To my surprise, my grandpa greeted me when I got home.  (In reality, my Lolo died of lung cancer in 2001.)  I had to ask him this: "Lolo, are you proud of me?"  This question transcends my dream, into my reality.  And yes, he was.  He was very proud of me.  Mama was there too, brushing my sister's hair and talking to my dad.  It's interesting how significant the seemingly mundane becomes in the absence of a loved one.  They were proud of me, Lolo and Mama.  That was a great feeling, to hear that from them.  I often have these dreams, where it seems like Mama talks to me and comforts me.  In those moments especially, I still feel her as if she was really here, as if she never left.  And in those dreams, I feel the warmth of her embrace, the warmth of her love once again.

Song of the Day: "Paano Na Kaya"

This song's been in and out of my mind for the past few weeks--partly because the movie came out recently.  I really want to see it, at some point.  But mainly just because...  And I've just had waaay too many more important things going on right now that I just had to keep pushing this away.  

It's tough, definitely... an awkward position to be in, but I throw my hands up in the air and do my best to walk away.  Some remnants may linger, but it's getting better... MUUUCH better!

Paano na kaya?  'Di sinasadya, 'di kayang magtapat ng puso ko... bakit ikaw pa?

"Paano Na Kaya," by Bugoy Drilon, with lyrics

The Dark Side

I guess power and success comes at a price.  There is an aspect of this nation that is just utterly cold and heartless.

Today, what will happen today?

This is it.  At least, that's how it feels...

Today, I'll know the answers to questions that have been churning more and more violently within my soul for the past eight years.

Today, I face the truth, of what I am, of what can and cannot be done.

Today, my options, the paths that lay before me and the paths I cannot cross, will be revealed, once and for all.

Today, I am anxious, I am terrified, I am preparing for the worst.

Today, there is a good chance I will panic, I will not be okay, I will be frustrated, I will cry.

Today, the truth will be revealed and I must accept it for what it is.

Today, my heart may soar or it may break.

Today, I must pull together our lives, my life, which slowly unraveled after she departed.

Today, I will pray, I will lift my hands high to my Father, to the One who has been with me from the beginning of my existence, the One who I will continue to be with for eternity.

Today, I learn what it truly means to die to myself.

Today, I give it all to You.

Today, I know You already know how today starts and ends.

Today, I sing, I play, I breathe, I live for You, for this is all a simple human such as myself can do.

Today Father, this is my prayer.  Bless them for being a blessing to me, bless our conversation, bless whatever outcome results.  You know the deepest, most personal, most intimate desires of my heart.  Hold me in Your comforting embrace, and grant me the divine peace that comes only from You.  Set my way before me, and never allow my fire to burn out nor my hope to diminish.  Never let me go, for in You, I fully trust, and in You lies my yesterday, today, tomorrow, and my eternity.  In the Name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray.  Amen.


Acts 16.