While studying for advanced biochemistry

I have my first advanced biochemistry exam tomorrow morning, so I'm obviously trying to study (and obviously failing).  I'm just so darn distracted and not focused at all!  Conveniently enough, my best friend called.  *puts notes down*  (yesss...)  

Halfway through the conversation:

Me: So I'm studying these biochemical pathways and they are just AMAZING!

Nathan: I literally almost hung up on you just now after you said that.

Sooo this is ME... No, really.  I literally went "WHOA" after I went over one of the pathways.  These molecular interactions are so ridiculously beautiful and perfect and amazing, I mean they're happening in our bodies RIGHT NOW without us even knowing!  Learning about all this, it's impossible for me to think organisms just "happened" organically, out of nothing, without a Creator who purposely crafted this magnificent design.  I love this stuff!  What else do you expect from a biochemistry major?  Biochemistry... yeee son!

Hug It Out!

Hugs are wonderful expressions of affection, and I think people should hug it out more often!  And hugs could mean a heck of a lot of different things, from "I love you" to "Good bye," and everything in between.  The best hugs leave a lasting impression that transcends time and convey messages and emotions that mere words simply can't express.  It could move someone to tears, end fights, or leave someone speechless.  I LOVE HUGS!  I really do, no lie.  There's just something about them that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  And no side-hugs either.  Or those hugs where there's about a foot of space in between.  Or quickie hugs.  Those don't count.  I only give those if it's physically difficult for me to give a full hug at that moment.  Or if I don't really care about the person all that much.  Or if there's something wrong and I'm just not feeling like it.  Otherwise, I think I'm a pretty good hugger!  Face to face, warm, cozy, not rushed but not absurdly long, and close enough and tight enough to squeeze just a bit and still be comfy--that's a perfect hug, I think. But definitely not tooooo close or tight enough to break ribs!  And it also very much depends on the person too.  It's got something to do with chemistry, y'know?  (And yes, I just had to say that.)  A perfect hug cannot fully be described in words--it's priceless.  What are you waiting for?  Go hug it out with someone!  It's a great way to show someone you care, a priceless expression of affection, and it's absolutely free!

From Fight Science: Sniper Keeps His Cool

As far as military stuff goes, this is the kinda stuff I'm interested in.  As shown here, a sniper is trained to shoot between heartbeats to maximize the precision of his shot.  That's crazy cool!  His statement is pretty hardcore too.

"One quiet professional at the right place, at the right time, can end wars before they start.  One shot, one kill."  [Marine scout sniper]

From Philosophy of Religion

"How can you be wrong about what you want?"  [Professor Tregenza]

A Typical Lab Whiteboard

Being the slacker that I am (...ha.), I've recently been working on my summer research applications (due by Monday?  Gah...).  I'm particularly interested in Sloan-Kettering for some reason.  (I really hope I get in.  Not gonna lie, I'd be pretty sad if I don't.)  Anywhooo, I was browsing through their current research labs to see which ones I was interested in joining and I came across this picture.  It was posted as part of the David Allis Lab webpage and I just had to stop and admire this incredibly intense scientific vomit.  (In contrast, my lab usually has this kinda stuff on our board.)  I just had to post this... Ironically, this is also a representation of the internal state of my brain and thought processes this week.

Frustrated, Lost, and Confused

I'm NOT okay.  I'm trying to apply to five or six summer research programs and the deadlines are fast approaching.  As if that wasn't hard enough for the normal science major, I have something else on my mind, a limiting factor I have to deal with.  As I've blogged about before, life is NOT fair.  It seems like everywhere I look, there's a wall closing in on me.  Everywhere I turn, there's an open door that shuts close just before I can reach it.  "No, sorry, I don't think you can."  I've been hearing and seeing versions of this for the past 9 years, but its meaning has definitely intensified through the years.  So far, this is the most frustrated and agitated I've been about this.  Just because of THIS, people turn me down, people look away, they completely disregard the 99% of me that is more than eligible, only because of that stupid 1% that I can't even do anything about at this point.  

My research mentor has been outstanding in trying to calm me down, assure me that everything will be okay, guiding me through these horrible, nervous breakdown moments.  In the three years I've known and worked for him, he's become more than just a professor or a mentor to me, but a real friend.  I really believe God caused our paths to cross for a reason.  Yesterday, I came into his office, trying to talk about viable options.  Halfway through the conversation, I told him how I felt when my GRE prep stuff came from Amazon.  I felt like someone just died.  No, wait, I felt like my dreams just died.  I feel like I'm giving up on medical school, something I've aspired to ever since I can remember.  

I entered college wanting to be a doctor, but by sophomore year, I realized I also wanted to be in research.  My friends know I like a challenge, and if there is an option that's juuust slightly more challenging, that's what I'll take.  With all that considered, I decided I want to be an MD/PhD.  So what now?  Sure, I'll work towards my PhD after undergrad, or at least that's the plan so far.  But would I still have the heart, the mind, and the strength to go back and apply for med school after all of that?  I've already warned him.  I feel like this semester will be an emotional disaster, which could quite possibly worsen throughout the rest of the year.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack.  I could barely breathe, I can't focus, my mind is restless.  And when I look inside my soul, I see a downward spiraling whirlpool sucking everything into the darkness below.  I have so much to figure out this year, so much more than a regular science major at my level.  EVERYTHING that happens this year decides my fate for the next five years, at least.  

These programs, these institutions, I hope I can convince them to expand their realm of possibilities.  I hope I can convince them to take a chance on me, that I AM worth the trouble.

Judge me for who I am instead of what I am.

I do a lot of thinking in the shower...

...and today, you randomly came to mind.  I don't know what happened, how we just sort of drifted apart and stopped talking, really.  I mean, we used to talk everyday, multiple times a day, about anything and everything.  I guess, as usual, life just got in the way and we both became really busy.  

It seems like you still want me to be part of your life, and I know I want you to be part of my life too.  As I said in my last post, someone told me people are in your life "for a reason and a season."  Though the reasons we talked before are no longer relevant, I really hope our season isn't over yet.  It felt to me like it just begun, our friendship just begun, and there's so much more I want to know about you, so much more we could learn from each other, I think.  Don't you?  I hope you feel the same way, because I would really hate to lose someone like you.

A Reason and A Season

A good friend once told me that certain people become part of our lives "for a reason and a season."  In this particular case, I feel like she was using it as an excuse to keep herself distant from everyone, a justification to herself that it is perfectly fine to end relationships, friendships, any kind of connection, once someone has "served their purpose" in your life.  Ironically but not surprisingly, this person, who I trusted and genuinely considered my best friend, shattered my heart and broke my trust.  I should have seen it coming.  Once, she even told me how frustrated she is that people don't understand how disposable they are to her, that no matter how "close" she appears to be with someone, she could walk out of that person's life any second.  That's a sad way to look at life and relationships with those around you, in my opinion.  I mean, why even bother to make connections if you're not planning to give it your all?  Anyway, regardless of what happened to our friendship, this quote stuck to me, this saying that sort of became her mantra.  

People are part of our lives "for a reason and a season."

I understand the essence of this statement.  Yes, it's true, some people might have been essential to us, even monumental at some point in our lives, but that doesn't mean they always have to take that place of significance for the entirety of our existence.  It happens all the time.  Relationships end, friends grow apart, people end a chapter in their lives and start a new one, leaving the characters of the previous chapters behind them.  Maybe it's an ex, or a mentor, or a random person you bump into on the streets.  Everything and everyone serves a purpose.  Nothing is an accident.  Life is a very meticulously written and well-orchestrated production, where every player knows their cues by heart without ever really knowing, and the Director is the only one who sees the big picture, the vision that encompasses all of reality, from the milestones to the mundane, every single second of life that was ever lived, is being lived, and will be lived.

But this statement, as my not-so-best-friend sees it, should never be reason enough to justify using the people around you for your own benefit.  Friendships are real.  Relationships are real.  Human connection and interaction is real.  These aren't things you can just end or cut off because it is no longer useful to you.  And if you see life through these eyes, then I'm very terribly sorry for you.  I have amazing people all around me, and I can't even imagine how life would be without them.  I have two best friends and another who is not only a best friend but my one and only sister.  I cannot even begin to fathom how different life would be without them.  I can't even contemplate the act of cutting myself off from them, let alone everyone in my life.  When I build connections, I never think, "This is just temporary."  I always try to build connections that will last, bonds that are strong enough to withstand the test of time, loss of constant communication, pivotal life events, etc.  Not all these bonds survive. That's a shame, but it's the truth.  But it's all a matter of perspective.  If you start off building a connection thinking of it as a temporary means of gaining some sort of benefit for yourself, if you see a budding relationship as a disposable thing, then you're missing out on life.  You're missing out on what could very well be a great, life-changing thing, if you only allow yourself to be completely immersed into it.  Take a chance once in a while.  Give it your all or give none at all.  "Seasons of Love," a song from "Rent," really stands out to me.  Friends, family, these bonds we form all around us.  They are a measure of how we lived our lives.  These are the people who hold us together, who form who we are, who we become, who change our lives simply because they are part of it.  These people are the ones we form memories with, the ones we laugh, cry, eat, sleep, do anything and everything with.  These people journey with us through life, and as our companions in this walk, this march toward an unknown yet certain destination, they deserve to have a real, honest-to-goodness home in our hearts.  Don't be fake.  Don't use people for your benefit.  Don't form connections in order to gain something in return later on.  Form bonds, form friendships for the sheer joy of companionship, for the feeling of comfort and warmth that comes with the fact that you are not alone on this journey, and no matter what happens, there are people around you who love and care about you just as much as you love and care for them.

Would I Be Remembered

As promised, here's the other poem I stumbled upon as I was spring cleaning!


********************************
July 24, 2008


How would I be remembered?
What legacy would I leave behind?
Should people think about me,
What thoughts would come to mind?


Would the not-so-happy memories
Grow faint with the passing of time?
Or would they grow even stronger,
Much more hurtful than before?


Would the laughter and smiles
Overcome the sadness and tears?
Would I be remembered for my weaknesses?
Would I be remembered for my fears?


Would I be remembered as a woman,

As a sister, as a daughter?

Would I be remembered for my actions,

My personality, or my character?

Would I be remembered for the times I succeeded?

Or for every time I faltered?

Would I be remembered as a child
Whose eyes were bright with optimism
Who saw the future with excitement,
Marching forward, full of ambition?


Would I be remembered as a teen,
Absorbed in my soul-searching pursuits,
Who questioned everything I thought I knew
And struggled to gain the truth?


Would I be remembered as a student
Who excelled in every way,
Whose passion and thirst for understanding
Grows with each passing day?


Would I be remembered as a leader,
Paving the way for others to follow?
Or as a friend who loves, who laughs, who listens
In both in sadness and in sorrow?


Would I be remembered as a Christian,
God's ambassador to a world corrupted,
Seeking His face, spreading the faith,
Sharing His love to the broken-hearted?


How do I want to be remembered?
Would I make a difference, great or small?
Would I consider my life well-spent
When the time comes to answer God's call?
How would you remember me?
Would you remember me at all?


My life is multi-faceted.
Remember me for me.
Take my life and learn from it
Once my soul has been set free.

Spring Cleaning!

Ahh, it's about time to get rid of the clutter in my life!  I've actually been cleaning out my closet for three weekends now, and I think I'm finally done!  (Now I need to do the same to my dorm room!)  I've thrown out so much stuff I thought were worth keeping at the time but over time proved to be trash-worthy.  Doesn't that happen to everyone though?  Old receipts, random papers, user manuals to gadgets that don't even work anymore, just random little nothings that clutter your closet and your life!  Not only is my closet a heck of a lot more spacious now, but I've also found some treasures I've unknowingly hidden away.  (I actually found a check for $25 that I never cashed in, darnit!)  I've been finding these poems I write in my random moments of thought, and today, I found two more that I'd like to post.  One, I will post here, and the other, I will post separately.  Go tackle that closet, that garage, or wherever you tend to store everything.  (Lookie here!  Garage is a B away from garBage!)  Happy spring cleaning!

*******************************
July 16, 2008

Funny how the one you truly love

The one who makes your heart skip a beat

Is the same one that can do the most damage

And leave you cold out in the streets

Forever and Never

July 8, 2008

Forever doesn’t mean "for all time"

Never doesn’t mean "not ever"

Many hearts fall victim to these words

Only to cause them later to shatter

The present may be beautiful

But when present becomes past

The truth behind these words of promises

Will be proven at last

Many hearts will shatter

A lucky few will survive

But all will find it hard at first

To move on with their life

Forever and never are extreme and absolute

Chances are people will fail you

And leave you looking like a fool

Before uttering these words of promise

Check your heart once, twice, and again

And if in truth you fall short of them

Please spare her heart the pain

Love is a drug, a wonderful thing

But take care for it is two-faced

And brings with it suffering

Think before you speak and act

And do only what you truly mean

For none but He knows the future unforeseen

Once broken, twice shattered

The heart will find a way to survive

Though hurt and pain and misery

May be festering inside

Please oh please

Take care of her fragile heart

And don’t give in to his advances

Unless you’re sure he’ll play his part

Live and Let Go

It's actually a pretty awkward time to be posting these poems now.  My break-up with my ex-boyfriend was one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with, on a personal level.  (And surprisingly, complications still haunt me, even to this day... oh how the quickly the tides turn...)  I was pretty devastated.  And when I'm upset, when I'm frustrated, when I feel extreme emotions, I cry, I vent, I write.  

These three poems are products of that period in my life where I learned to realize my value as a person, as myself, as a woman deserving of the highest form of love, devotion, and respect.  I learned to accept painful truths and to soothe my pain.  I learned to see the good in every experience, distinguish the bad, and to take everything as a lesson learned.  I learned that in all things, God is sovereign, even in our pain, even in our sorrow, no matter what our circumstance is.  And I learned to recognized what I should be thankful for and however painfully and unwillingly at first, seven months later, I learned what it means to finally let go and move on with my life.  

And since then, I feel like I've grown so much as a woman and as myself, in ways that I know would not have been possible, had I stayed in the relationship.  I'm not saying that to make myself feel better.  It is what I know to be true, and it is my firm belief that since that point, God's will for my life has been unfolding at a rapid pace, with blessings and miracles abounding in ways I never could have even imagined!

Nevertheless, these poems, as with that past relationship, will forever be a part of my life.  And because of that, it belongs here, as part of my history.

***********************************************

If this is really how you want things to be, 

Then I have no choice but to set you free. 

But before you go, understand what you're losing, 

Because a love like mine doesn't come easily. 

It's a shame to give up because it's "too difficult" to save. 

Especially since it's my whole and genuine heart that I gave. 

For you, I pray for happiness and success, 

With or without me, whatever is best. 

If this is really how you want things to be, 

Thanks for the memories. You'll always be a part of me.

The Gravity of Trust

To whom trust is given, much is required. 

A trust broken may heal over time but the battle scars remain, 

A constant, indelible reminder of the pain. 

Trust must be earned, must be deserved, must be regained. 

It should be cared for and attended to, to avoid unneeded strain. 

Trust is a gift to be given and a privilege to receive. 

It must be protected at all costs and allowed to flourish. 

Should this break, there are consequences.

A still beating heart remembers all.

Final transition to the Solstice

As I was sifting through my old phone (Sync) for codes, info, and notes that I saved to transfer to my new phone (Solstice, and it's about time!), I stumbled across three "poems-in-progress," I guess you can call them.  As I've mentioned before, thoughts come to me like a stream, and once I've entered a stream of thought, it keeps flowing.  In the case of these three, I remember writing and thinking about them while walking to the bus stop and while riding the bus.  The time people spend commuting or sitting on the bus really can be productive, see!  I'll be revising, polishing, and posting the poems here, hopefully all by tonight and if not, I will, very soon!

Song of the Day: "A Beautiful Mess"

This song has been stuck in my head all day.  Just like the words in the lyrics, there's a certain peculiar vibe about this song that stirs my heart.  I feel like this actually captures the ineffable aspects my life, in a strange way.  "A Beautiful Mess," by Jason Mraz, the master of wordplay, is a song that is so beautifully and peacefully chaotic.  (Not to mention that I'm an absolute sucker for clever wordplay!)  He's a genius, that man!

It's overwhelming sometimes...

Have you ever felt like you were meant to do something, but somehow you feel like it's too much or too great for you to accomplish?

Life is NOT fair.

It's not fair that I'm working so hard.  It's not fair that as each day passes, I feel the walls inching toward me, closing me in.  There are limitations everywhere.  There are so many things I would love to do, so many things I know I am more than capable of doing or becoming.  I set myself to a very high standard, something that only those that are closest to me truly understand.  I've been known to set goals for myself that are not obvious or easily achievable.  I like to be challenged and I like working hard to overcome these challenges.  As I spoke to a couple of my friends, I realized that sometimes I throw myself in a situation that might not completely make sense, something that will not come easily to me, something that might seem to be just outside of my capabilities at the time.  But so far, through this pattern of challenging myself and working really hard to fulfill my potential, I feel like I've expanded my overall knowledge and understanding of the world.  It has also really helped me grow as a person, pretty intensely within the past two years.

I feel like the past three years, I've lived a life in a protective asylum.  I am where I am today because people believed in me, regardless of my situation.  It doesn't matter what I am.  It doesn't matter what I am labeled.  It doesn't matter where I came from.  It doesn't matter how much money my family has.  All that matters is who I am, my will and determination to succeed, my personality, my spirit, my faith, and who I am as a person.

But now, with this stage of my life quickly hurtling to an end, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at everything.  Once again, here I am, still in the same position, looking for answers, looking for a way out.  There is a way out, but that is the way I refuse to go.  My heart pains to think of that option.  Once again, I feel like I need to prove myself, to make myself "bullet-proof," in the words of my mentor, so that people would be so drawn to me that they would be willing to make exceptions to the rule, that they would be willing to take a risk and invest in me.  This is my biggest limitation, and though I don't worry about this very often, when I do, it is very overwhelming, extremely frustrating, and honestly discouraging.

Thoughts come to me like rushing water, and when ignored, I could easily find myself struggling to stay afloat.  What's worse is when there is not just one source of rushing water but multiple.  When multiple things are on my mind, each with their own stream of thought, it quickly gets to the point where I'm being tossed around from one thought to the next, not really knowing how to deal with each one and not really being able to focus on any single one.  So instead of trying to get back on my feet and handle the situation, for a moment in time, there I am, tossed here and there in a quick succession of incomplete questions, sentences, thoughts, images, etc.  Sometimes, as I did just now, I just have to allow myself to break down, cry, write, vent, and talk it out.  And once I do, exhausted as I am, a spirit of peace washes over me and a calming stillness overtakes my heart.

Do I know what will happen?  Nope.  Am I worried?  It's there in the back of my head.  Did any of this help solve my situation at all?  Probably not.  But as with some things, it's not necessarily the destination but the journey that matters.  My journey is not yet over.  I don't know to what end this is all heading, but for the moment, I really should attend to other more pressing matters (such as outlining chapters for developmental biology).  Perseverance is the key, I guess.  Whatever life throws my way, I know the prayers of my mother and those who love and care for me form an invisible shield of protection, that no matter what happens, I will make it through just fine.

Wowza

So I was talking to my friend and she said, "My friend's mom came from Asia."

I said, "Really?  Mine came from hell."

Really random conversation I heard today...  It reaaally caught me off guard!

From the Bumper Sticker App

"You must be an anion because I'm positively attracted."

Cake Wrecks

A few weeks ago, I introduced my sister to this blog and she loves it!  Everyone loves a beautiful, delicious, well-crafted cake, for whatever occasion comes to mind.  But what about those cakes that don't quiiite fall under that category, Cake Wrecks, if you will?  This is a witty collection of misshapen, misspelled, misinterpreted, misunderstood cakes (with the occasional masterpiece, as part of their "Sunday Sweets").  Enjoy!

Lovers and/or Friends?

Where is the defining boundary?  Sometimes, the line in between seems to blur and you're left wondering, "What is this feeling?"  Is it simply confusing the warmth of friendship and deep admiration for possible romantic feelings.  When do friends become lovers, and when is it "safe" to even consider making a bold move?

What if there really is something there?

Looking back at 2009

I remembered making a list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2009, and since that year has now come and gone, it's time to look back and review this list.  (I might even add a little description to some of them...)

The ones in blue are things I didn't quite get to this year... Aaaand GO!

1.  Find someone who will absolutely blow me away.  There were quite a few people this year that "blew me away," so to speak, but I meant this in more of a romantic sense.  True, I didn't exactly meet "someone" new, but I'm not sad about it.  I've thought about it, and I'm actually pretty happy being single right now.  I'm able to focus, I don't have anyone who keeps tabs on me 24/7, and I'm enjoying my life, no strings attached!  Maybe this was God's plan for me, for 2009 to be a year of self-discovery and self-reflection, which it definitely was.  My theory is, I don't need to look for the right person for me.  God knows where I am, and in His time, in His way, God will cause our paths to cross.

2.  Drink more water.

3.  Exercise more often.

4.  Surprise Trix for her birthday.

5.  Send Trix care packages every other month.

6.  Buy Trix a laptop and a laptop case, with programs fully installed.

7.  Meet at least 10 new people. It was a year of meeting people, actually.  I've met quite a few fresh faces and even amongst the familiar faces, I've become good friends with some of them who I never really talked to before.

8.  Feed the homeless.

9.  Make someone's day.

10. Smile at someone who needs it.

11. Hug someone who needs it.

12. Read a good book.

13. Appreciate life.  This past year, in October, instead of waiting for my birthday at the end of the month and making it "my month," I decided to really take the time to appreciate those around me, to reflect on their influence on my life and to see all the good, the positive, the beauty of this life that was given to me.

14. Do something that doesn't really make sense.

15. Do one random act of kindness.

16. Sing a song and mean it.

17. Be more independent.  This was definitely true this year.  I first started dorming during Spring 2009 and it was a new experience for me.  I was living on my own for the first time ever.  And since I live in a single dorm, I literally have my very own space.  My time is my own, to use however I please.  It's been a great experience.

18. Be less heartbroken.  Definitely, MOST definitely!  This year, I learned what it was like to pick up the pieces after a broken relationship--not only with ex but fixing my relationship with my dad also.  From January to December, I feel like I've experienced such a huge personal growth, as a result of everything that has happened this year.  And TRUST me, 2009 was a CRAZY year... it was absolutely INSANE.  I really should write a book about all this... someday.

19. Stay up all night doing absolutely nothing.

20. Do something spontaneous.

21. Fight for a worthy cause.

22. Get at least a 3.8 GPA.  Alright, so I didn't quite make it to 3.8, but I've definitely made improvements this year!  Man, this year was tough, and I can't imagine what the last three semesters of my undergraduate life have in store for me.  But one thing's for sure.  I'm determined, I'll work hard, and I will strive to fulfill my dreams, one way or another!

23. Make an art project.

24. Try snowboarding.

25. Test the limits of my love.

26. Be friendlier to dogs.  I am very proud to announce that I have finally outgrown my fear of dogs.  My mom told me that when I was still very young, a street dog ran me straight to the ground, and as I lay on the street, the dog stood over me.  Maybe that's why I've been so afraid of dogs my whole life.  What turned it around?  This little puppy, my sister's Pomeranian... Milo Bear!  Isn't he gorgeous?

27. Try to learn an instrument.  One random Saturday in September, we had friends over to enjoy the final days of warmth, swimming in the pool and enjoying each other's company.  Jerah was playing her guitar outside and I was watching her.  I think she asked me if I wanted to learn and so she taught me a few chords.  It was weird at first and I couldn't stop laughing--this was totally new to me!  I've always wanted to play an instrument but at 20 years old, I feel like it might be too late for me.  Maybe that's not necessarily true!  Armed with the basic chords Jerah taught me, I continued to teach myself, asking her for help every now and then.  Thanks for teaching me how to play guitar, Jerah!  I couldn't have done this without you!

28. Learn to play a song and sing along.

So I was able to do maybe a little over two-thirds of the list?  That's not bad at all.  Good bye 2009.  Hello 2010.  Now it's time to think of a new list for the year ahead!

A Mother's Prayer

The day after Christmas, I had the chance to talk to one of my mom's closest friends.  She said something really interesting.  While talking about my mom's final days, she mentioned that my mom told her she was at peace.  She knew her life was nearing its end, and her heart is at peace because she has already "bargained with God" about what the future holds for my sister and I.  That hit home.  All this time, I've witnessed God's hand move in my life in such a profound way that I literally am in awe of how perfectly things work out sometimes.  Though I have many limitations, it is amazing to me that in God's time, everything just falls exactly into place.  I know this.  I could testify for this.  Even my best friend tells me, in those times I'm feeling anxious about the future, "Well, things just seem to always work out for you, one way or another."  And now, it makes sense to me.  My life and that of my sister have already been prayed for by Mama.  She made sure, as best she could, that her girls were going to be okay, even if she could not physically be with us.  I don't know what Mama's prayers were for us exactly, but what I do know is that even in her physical absence, I still feel a lasting connection with her and it is easy for me to believe that in her final moments, she did all she could to ensure that even now, our steps are guided by her petitions to God, whatever those may be.  I believe in the power of a mother's prayer and I believe that it is MY Mama's prayers, in part, that have guided me to this point in my life.  Thank you Mama.  I love you and I miss you.

I love Los Angeles

*breathes* I know my previous post wasn't the most cheerful and bubbly, but this post will make up for that!

As I've said in the previous post, we drove down to LA after fighting with the GPS, finally leaving NorCal at 10:30 pm, ETA around 4 am.  My sister and I were knocked out for the most part.  Both my dad and stepmom were so tired that they decided to stop at a rest area and sleep for an hour or so before resuming the drive.  After countless rest stops and awkward, uncomfortable sleeping positions, I opened my eyes around 6 am and realized we were in Van Nuys.  Ahhh... officially in Los Angeles county, and my heart was aflutter!  I couldn't explain it.  The same thing happened on my way back home from Arizona.  It just feels warm and comfortable.  All of a sudden,  I felt all our problems, anxieties, and stress simply disappear...  

I don't exactly know what it is about this place that makes me feel this way...

Maybe it's because this is where my family and I started our new lives here in America.  

This is where we became rooted, where we found friends and met relatives we've never met before.  

Maybe it's because this is where my sister and I basically grew up.  

This is where we learned what it meant to live the American lifestyle.  

This is where my mom continued her cancer treatments.  

This is where both my parents discovered they were diabetics.  

This is where my mom found out her cancer has returned with a vengeance.  

Maybe it's because this is where she passed away.  

This is where I learned to deal with loss and to accept that change is inevitable and sometimes predictable.  

Maybe it's because this is where I came to know the true meaning of friendship, love, and family.  

Maybe it's because this is where I found lifelong friends and the warmth of family.

This is where God showed, shows, and will continue to show me His everlasting love and grace.  

This is where I grew up, through the years, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  

This is where I first fell in love and discovered what it was like to give my heart to someone else.  

Maybe it's because this is where I first experienced the pain of heartbreak and learned to heal.  

This is where I first learned what it feels to be torn away from the one person I love the most.  

This is where I've made mistakes and this is also where I rose above them.  

Maybe it's because this is where I realized where my passions lie.  

This is where I found my calling.  

This is where I discovered and continue to discover who I am as a person.  

This is HOME.

Both photos were taken from http://discoverlosangeles.com/play/photo-of-the-day.jsp.

Worst Christmas Ever

It's been a while since my last blog, and a lot has happened since then.  I think I'll be posting several blogs tonight, so without further ado, here's my first blog of 2010.

This past Christmas Day was the worst of my life.  I'm not even kidding.  I wish I was.  It was just a complete and utter disaster.  Right from the get-go, I knew that day had major potential to be a fail.  Our schedule was tight.  We had two parties to attend--lunch with my stepmom's family and dinner with my dad's family.  Whenever all of that is over, my sister and I, along with our dad and stepmom, will drive down to LA.  Yup.  That was the genius plan.

Disaster #1: It turns out my stepmom's family party was not for lunch.

Yup.  It was for dinner.  At 4 pm.  That's exactly what time my dad's family party started... wonderful, hmm?

Disaster #2: Super Filipino Time

My family (aka myself, my sister, and my dad) makes it a point to get ready on time.  When you tell us to be ready at 3 pm (as was the plan) we're usually ready by 2:59 pm.  Apparently, not everyone functions this way.  My sister's room is connected to my stepbrother's room via a shared bathroom.  THAT could have been a disaster too, but we took that into consideration when we figured out our schedule for the day.  Despite having to wait more than an hour for the bathroom door to unlock, my sister and I were dressed, ready, and fully packed by 3 pm.  We take our stuff downstairs so our dad could load it onto the truck when, lo and behold, there she was--our stepmother still in her pajamas.  My sister goes into the kitchen and our dad was still frying eggrolls for the family party.  Apparently, stepmother dearest assigned him to fry the eggrolls AND load our luggages AND fix the house AND load the mountain of presents.  So at 3 pm, both of them were nowhere near ready.  Plans got pushed back an hour.  Fine.  My sister and I try to pass the time, already in our dresses, all dolled up.  We come back downstairs around 4 pm.  Oh what a Christmas it sure is when you see your dad furiously throwing presents into a garbage bag in his frustration and frenzy.  Tight.  Sooo... when are we leaving again?

Disaster #3: RIP Spot

My sister and I decide to check up on the bunnies and make sure they have enough food and water.  One of them looked strangely still.  After a few minutes of trying to figure out what's wrong and why it was in such a strange position, we realized the little bunny that was still hopping around that morning must have died sometime during the day.  Poor little seastar...

Disaster #4: Change of plans

Since some people weren't ready on time *ahem* we ended up leaving the house at 6 pm.  Three whole hours late.  The new plan was to go to our stepmom's party for about an hour, deliver her gifts to her family, go home to pick up the rest of the presents and our luggage, go to my dad's party, then drive down to LA.  Ohhh boy, here we go...

Disaster #5: Don't make impossible plans.

We end up overstaying at my stepmom's family party, of course, because what does she care about what we want, right?  She's all that matters.  Finally, around 9 pm, my dad gets a call from his sister.  All our relatives were leaving the party.  My cousins have all left and my aunt and uncle were leaving soon too.  Great.  Now, not only did my sister and I miss out on spending Christmas with our family in LA but also in San Francisco too.  That was it for me.  That is just NOT acceptable.  Christmas shouldn't be spent with people you have to pretend to like and with a fake smile plastered on your face.  Christmas should be fun and relaxing, a day to make memories and enjoy the ones you love.  There shouldn't be any yelling, any presents furiously being thrown about, frustrations and frenzy.  Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I should have been smiling, but instead, tears were streaming from our faces from the day utterly ruined.

The only highlight of the day?  We were finally on our way back home to LA...