Song of the Day: "None but Jesus"

One particular verse of this song caught my attention..

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

Why this verse? To me, it's a great reminder that no matter what storms may come, even though you might not have any sort of control over the situation, God does. Any way you flip it, turn it, shake it, spin it, God is sovereign over all. You may not have any idea what's going on or what's going to happen, but trust that God does, and always, always, always, He is in control. Isn't that amazing?

And in those times when you personally feel drained and weak, ask for God's grace to pull you through and get you through the rough times. Trust in God's promise in John 14, "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." In His Name and for His glory, we could ask for anything--not just some things, but anything--and He will do it. The thing is, sometimes we get impatient. This is not in our time but in God's time.

Take it all from me

Go ahead. Take that, that, and even ALL of that. That's what you want, right? Gotta be the best, in control, on top... always. It's all good. Looks may be deceiving and what seems like a strong, fortified wall may be nothing more but a vulnerable, fragile facade. You need this more than I do. LLMO

Someone once told me people come into our lives for a reason and a season. Oh, the sheer irony. Dad, what would You have me do? You know my heart, fully and completely, and you know how I feel. Is this not enough? Must I press forward in a new direction or stay on this road? Here I am, standing at what feels like my breaking point. Yet You've brought me here before, Dad. I feel that I'm at my wit's end, that my heart could bear this no longer, yet You show me I'm capable of more, that there is more to me than that, that I am stronger than I believe myself to be. Will You hold my hand yet again and show me Your will? Is this the end of this chapter and the beginning of a new one, or must this chapter continue despite the struggles I encounter? So many questions, but the answers are so few. All I really know is I depend on You.

It's about time, hmm?

Recently I thought to myself, hey, how come I never add pictures to my blog? Well, here goes then! Not so many thoughts tonight, just thought I'd try this out. These are a few pictures of the views from the college I attend. This school is, without a doubt, a mind-blowing blessing in disguise. This is my home on the weekdays, my "hilltop prison," I sometimes call it (especially on particularly stressful weeks). These views are pretty amazing though, I'm not gonna lie. On clear days and especially at night, standing in front of the Chapel, you could see all the way from the horizon of the Pacific Ocean to the city lights of downtown LA and beyond. I'm proud of my school, and I really have found my niche here. Without further ado, enjoy!

A sunset view on a cloudy day from the west side of the campus, by the cafeteria patio.

A view of the Getty Center from the east side of the campus. On a clear day, downtown LA and beyond is visible.

The Circle, the heart of the campus. City lights are visible behind the buildings.

LOL in mid-prayer?

Alright, alright, that was wrong... so here's what happened...

Our family sat down to discuss John 14:5-14 tonight, and afterward, as was our practice, we prayed together also. I have my personal study when I'm at school, so I enjoy these rare times when I get to actually sit down with everyone and talk about the Word of God.

Tonight, I was asked to pray, and as I asked around for prayer requests, one particular one came up that made me smirk. Yup, that's right, smirk. Reaaally now? You want me to pray about thaaat? Mkay, if you say sooo... I began to pray sincerely for all the requests made, leaving that particular one for last because I didn't know how to approach it... Then there I was, done praying for all the rest but this one... Ohh boy, here goes... A smile creeps up across my face and I tried to stifle my laugh, my sarcasm, my own sentiments... (P.S. If it's not already apparent, I'm quuuite a sarcastic person in general, so you see the struggle here...) So basically, I LOL in the middle of prayer, and right afterward, I felt that I had to rebuke myself and switched off my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own emotions and focus on the need, on the request... It was a tough one to pray for, one that went against my own heart, but I did it anyway.

This just goes to show I am not perfect, though some people might think I am. I'm only human, and with that said, I'm allowed to have human emotions. Throughout your life, moments such as these will come your way. You will be asked to make a choice: to live as you want to live or to live as God called you to live? WWJD, right? There have already been so many moments in my life (especially within the past few weeks) when I've had to decide to do things my way or God's way. It's so easy to fall into the trap of using human nature as an excuse. "Oh, we're fallen creatures anyway, it's fine." Revenge, malicious thoughts, angry outbursts--these are things programmed into our humanity as reflex responses to certain situations. "I'm gonna hurt you as bad as you hurt me. I hope you suffer." These serve as proof of man's fallen nature.

But we're called to rise above our circumstances and shine our light to the world, no matter what the situation. It won't be easy. In fact, I'm finding that in most cases, we're being called to do the exact opposite of what our human nature would rather do in the first place! (Go figure, right?) But remember, God will not put you through anything you cannot handle, so if you're facing challenges, struggles, or worries today, face them with courage and perseverance, and know that you are fully capable of weathering the storms of this life. All things will be made known one day, and only God has the right to judge. He will judge fairly and completely. It's not for you to wage war with your neighbor here on earth. The battle is the Lord's, whatever may come. Live for Him, for He knows your heart, and He will defend what is truly, genuinely right.

There comes a time in our lives...

...where we should not only stand firm in our beliefs, but also know exactly why we believe the things we do. Within the past few weeks, it's been increasingly apparent that it is very important to be able to challenge one's own values and morals and look at them from many different and opposing perspectives. (Thanks by the way... that was an intensely challenging and stimulating discussion... ahh, my brain hurts!) I also think one should especially challenge those beliefs which have been instilled within them since childhood and see if those still maintain their truths now that one is capable of forming their own opinions and thoughts.

As my high school AP European History teacher once said, an intellectual does not reject the opinion of others but understands them, yet is still able to stand firm in their own. (Or something like that...)

P.S. I'm trying to make my entries shorter because Jerah keeps saying they're too long! Off I go!

Hmm, curious, very curious...

This should be the last thing on my mind, yet it's there, and I think, ponder, analyze it. I ask myself, how do I really feel, what am I thinking? Guard your heart, many people say, and yet this advice, I think I'm now torn with. Really, what are the possibilities? Why?!?! Why am I even contemplating the what if's and the maybe's? This is silly, all so silly. Nothing's going to come of it. It's all crazy!

But what if? I am ready... I think? Yes. Maybe. No, I am ready, but why can't my heart seem to let go? Something's holding me back. The reminders of the pain I felt in the past haunt the corridors of my heart, memories that once seemed so sweet so quickly turned so bitter. How can that happen? How could love so swiftly turn into hate, smiles turn to frowns, sweet nothings turn to angry sentiments?

And no, I cannot, will not, I refuse to turn into her, no. I'm not looking for the moment, but I'm longing for forever. My heart must stay pure, with the right intentions. But what are my intentions? What do I want? Is this what I want? What do I really feel? Can I even allow myself to feel? So much to ponder, so little time! Should I just let this adventure unravel? Should I even pay attention to it at all? I don't want to lead anyone on, just as I don't want to be led on. This reaction needs a catalyst, but until then, why can't I figure this out? And what is this catalyst I need, what, who, when, where, how? It's a matter of timing, all a matter of time.

Not by our might nor our power, but by God's will in God's perfect timing. Thank you for the sunshine, Dad. Until then, Lord, I will be waiting patiently. I know You have nothing but the best for me, and that, I look forward to. Be my clarity, be my Light.

I shouldn't have said anything. Truth is, I'm running away.

I'm so sorry, so sorry, that's all I can say.

There's something within me that's shaking it's head.

No, not yet, not this one, keep waiting instead.

It all seemed perfect, it all seemed right,

But something in my mind and heart is putting up a fight.

I don't want to hurt you, I'm so sorry, this is true

Not now, maybe later, maybe never, for me and you...

(10.04.09)

I think it's safe to say

I have a "thing" for you... but as for now, it ends there, and nothing more. As to what the future holds, I'd love to see time unfold.

And I'd love to get to know you better... maybe... if... only if... all in God's perfect timing.

But yet I'm having trouble letting my heart go...

I'm sorry... something's not right. I'm so sorry, so very sorry... (10.04.09)

Think back to what's important

This past week has been filled with soul-searching, pondering, and an evolution of my beliefs and practices. I'm going to be perfectly honest. Sometimes, things happen in life that you just don't understand. Don't try to. Some things, I guess, were meant to keep their mystery, to you at least. And that's okay. We were never meant to know all things in this lifetime anyway.

This week, I learned the importance of having spiritual mentors, to whom you are accountable to, people who won't judge you and won't be biased, but would lead you down the right path, come what may. It is a great blessing to have spiritual mentors to guide you when your own thoughts and opinions may be biased or affected by your emotions, just to have someone to bring you out of your immediate surroundings and remind you of the "big picture." My mentors know who they are, and I love them and thank them for their support, their shoulder to cry on, their patient listening ears, and their godly counsel.

All week long, I've become more aware of the struggle between human, worldly behavior and the attitudes and actions we are called to deliver as Christians. It's not an easy road. It's full of roadblocks, obstacles, and temptations. Of course, it's much easier to respond to situations in the ways of the world, but it takes more courage, effort, energy, and sacrifice to follow Christ. I'm not saying, in any way, that I'm perfectly holy, that I'm blameless and never at fault. No one is exempt from making these difficult choices. But no matter how tough, with God's Word as the Light unto our path, we're called to rise above any situation. Sucks, right? A bit. But that's what we're called to do as children of God.

Friendships and relationships are priceless, as far as both sides treat it so. This week was a tough one, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and I thank God for pulling me through. One thing I've definitely realized is that I'm blessed to have a home to look forward to, people to be excited about spending time with, and a wonderful life overflowing with reasons to smile, reasons to be thankful for, reasons to be amazed at God's awesome grace, mercy, and power. Hallelujah! Praise be to God!

On a lighter note, there is another thing that's been on my mind. I'm in this philosophy class called Scientific Method, and it's basically an in-depth analysis of the philosophy of science. Since I've started the class, I've become more aware of how my thoughts progress and how, especially in science, we have been "programmed" to string together known truths through inferred explanations. This is a process we all go through, though we are not conscious of it. With that said, something's been on my mind, and I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know... I know some facts, trying to string the facts together... I don't know what I'm really trying to say... I'm just trying to figure out... what is this? Sorry if this is confusing for the reader... pay no mind to it. I'm just mentally blurbing my emotions here.

Anywhooo... Have an amaaazing week!

It all makes sense now!

So I realize that I haven't blogged for two weeks, and that's unfortunate. I think I've had a few times where I thought of something to write about, but more important things *cough* school *cough* got in the way. Anywhooo, apparently, a lot can change within two weeks, wow.

First off, rest in peace, Uncle Bob. When I think about you, all I see in my mind's eye is your smile, and all I hear is your hearty laugh. I guess you've made enough people smile here on earth, and now you're making the angels and saints laugh and smile in heaven.

Mama Caring, I know you passed away a year ago, but I haven't been able to fully mourn your death until just recently. You were a beacon of light and happiness. The vibrant energy which emanates from you was contagious to all who are in your presence, and you are surely missed by all of us who had the pleasure of knowing you.

Lastly, my dear Mama, words cannot begin to express how much I love and miss you. Your babies want their Mama back, and we can't help but long for the way things used to be. The fact is, Mama, Dad's trying really hard to be the best parent he can be, but things just aren't at all the same without you. I don't know what happened to us, and I know he's trying to fulfill his promise to you, to take care of your daughters and make sure we're okay, but really, when you think about it, I'm not entirely sure we are. I really wish I could just hold you, put my head in your lap, and cry my heart out to you. You were a wonderful, strong, and beautiful woman, inside and out, and you continue to be my inspiration and my role model. I love you Mama.

I went to a funeral this last Saturday, and I felt like I was not mourning the loss of one person, but all three of these amazing people. It was a reminder of the value of life, of the important things, of the kind of legacy that all of us are bound to leave on this earth, since we are, in fact, all hurtling inevitably to the same end. Today's sermon also resounded this notion, emphasizing the importance of living in the moment, letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.

As to my title, it's fairly simple. Read the blog entry before this. I noted one of the things God spoke to me during the camp is about the stars, how some are brighter than others, but they don't last forever. This, out of all those other lessons, confused me the most, because it was the saddest of all, and I didn't know its full implication until today. Some stars shine brighter than the others, and I now know that two stars shine full and bright, and have been, for many years now. All other stars dim in comparison, and despite their presence now, some are meant to vanish.

I can't even begin to describe recent events, mainly because it honestly came as a major and unpleasant shock to me. Thanks a lot for the notice, I guess I didn't get the memo. And suffice it to say, at this point, I don't think I'm ready to deal with these emotions right now, let alone dissect them enough to write about it. I'm fairly sure I will at some point. Though many stars dim simultaneously, others rise up and shine steadily brighter, and for that I'm grateful. I will also leave you with a few verses, interesting ones I found as I was pondering my dilemma.

"It's not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow... So don't boast about following a particular human leader..."

--1 Corinthians 3: 7, 21a

Come on, lemme have it. I know you've gotta have some opinions about all this. Let's hear it.