Hmm, curious, very curious...

This should be the last thing on my mind, yet it's there, and I think, ponder, analyze it. I ask myself, how do I really feel, what am I thinking? Guard your heart, many people say, and yet this advice, I think I'm now torn with. Really, what are the possibilities? Why?!?! Why am I even contemplating the what if's and the maybe's? This is silly, all so silly. Nothing's going to come of it. It's all crazy!

But what if? I am ready... I think? Yes. Maybe. No, I am ready, but why can't my heart seem to let go? Something's holding me back. The reminders of the pain I felt in the past haunt the corridors of my heart, memories that once seemed so sweet so quickly turned so bitter. How can that happen? How could love so swiftly turn into hate, smiles turn to frowns, sweet nothings turn to angry sentiments?

And no, I cannot, will not, I refuse to turn into her, no. I'm not looking for the moment, but I'm longing for forever. My heart must stay pure, with the right intentions. But what are my intentions? What do I want? Is this what I want? What do I really feel? Can I even allow myself to feel? So much to ponder, so little time! Should I just let this adventure unravel? Should I even pay attention to it at all? I don't want to lead anyone on, just as I don't want to be led on. This reaction needs a catalyst, but until then, why can't I figure this out? And what is this catalyst I need, what, who, when, where, how? It's a matter of timing, all a matter of time.

Not by our might nor our power, but by God's will in God's perfect timing. Thank you for the sunshine, Dad. Until then, Lord, I will be waiting patiently. I know You have nothing but the best for me, and that, I look forward to. Be my clarity, be my Light.

I shouldn't have said anything. Truth is, I'm running away.

I'm so sorry, so sorry, that's all I can say.

There's something within me that's shaking it's head.

No, not yet, not this one, keep waiting instead.

It all seemed perfect, it all seemed right,

But something in my mind and heart is putting up a fight.

I don't want to hurt you, I'm so sorry, this is true

Not now, maybe later, maybe never, for me and you...

(10.04.09)