From looking up nerdy pick-up lines online

Yes, yes I did.  Inspired by KR's post on my Facebook wall.  Some were just lame, some were not PG-rated.  Here are a few of the ones that made the cut!

"I wish I were adenine so I could get paired with U."

"You're so hot, you denature my proteins" 

"Wana form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?" 

From KR's Facebook wall post

"You must be a good benzene ring because you are pleasantly aromatic."

The Problem of Evil

So far, in my two previous posts, my faith epiphanies confirmed my previous perspectives on basic religious principles.  This is the point of contention which really bothered and frustrated me.  Why?  Because this argument is so logical and rational, so easily defended, that I couldn't even really convince myself to ignore it.  We were assigned a philosopher to defend for our class debate.  Go figure, I was assigned J.L. Mackie, an atheist.  HA!  One thing's for sure... preparing and participating in the debate was interesting...

Problem: God is wholly good and yet evil exists.

Premise 1: Good is opposed to evil, in such a way that a good thing always eliminates evil as far as it can.

Premise 2: There are no limits to what an omnipotent thing can do.

Therefore, a good omnipotent thing eliminates evil completely.

Therefore, it is irrational and incompatible for evil and a good omnipotent thing to exist simultaneously.

Therefore, because evil exists, God must not exist.

Take a minute to process that.  Done?  This argument is so straightforward, I couldn't come up with any legitimate, non-faith-related counterargument to this.  Here, let's try, with my defenses in line with the thoughts of J.L. Mackie.  These are real counterarguments that theists would use to justify the presence of evil in the world.

Counterargument:  "We're only human.  We're not supposed to know all the answers." Yes, I agree with that, personally, but to a philosopher in the middle of a debate, that sounds a lot like a cop-out, an indication of surrender.  This one is too weak of an argument.

Counterargument: "Evil must exist in the world in order to bring about good."  Doesn't that limit God's omnipotence?  If He's capable of doing anything and everything, why can't he create good without creating evil?  Also, this would only be justified IF and only IF there was just enough evil to balance out the amount of good, but that is not the case.  There are some evils that are just evil; some even create even more evil (i.e. a large percentage of sexual assault victims go on to perpetuate the cycle).  

Counterargument: "Evil is due to human free will."  So basically, God created Man, then it's a free-for-all after that?  Does this mean God has no control of His creation?  Does that mean the creators of the atomic bomb are innocent of the slaughter in Hiroshima and Nagasaki?  Why couldn't God create people who always choose between different degrees of good instead of having the possibility of choosing evil?

What do I think?  I really don't know.  This is the one argument I couldn't contend.  This question has always been the one to leave me speechless.  Why do bad things happen?  Does this weaken my faith?  I left that debate victorious yet broken.  Why was it so easy for me to argue in defense of an atheist?  That really bothered me and left me frustrated; I was shaken up.  It's like I'm looking at a data set, and there's one point that deviates from the rest.  Of the topics discussed in class, this was the only one I failed to truly gain a concrete opinion on.  Do I have answers now?  No, not really.  The problem of evil is a sensitive subject that I'll need time to reflect upon.  Maybe I'll revisit this topic sometime in the future.  As of now, what I do recognize is my anxiety and frustration at being unable to reconcile the idea of a theistic God and the existence of the problem of evil.

Divine Providence and Human Free Will

The theistic God is described as omnipotent (all-powerful), omniscient (all-knowing), and benevolent (all-loving).  If God knows everything from beginning to end and if He created everything, how does this reconcile with the idea of human free will?  It's a very interesting topic to me.  Has everything been predestined and predetermined, and are we only living in the illusion of free will?  Are we really free?

J.R. Lucas suggests open theism, that the future is open, not closed.  God is like a "Persian rug-maker who lets His children work at one end while He does the other" and when His children make mistakes, His skills are so great that He "adapts the design at His end to take into account each error" they make.  God's will is not necessarily a blueprint, set in stone.  The universe is not static but dynamic, as vague possibilities are continually crystallizing into reality.  Things are only unchangeable once they have passed from the present into the past.  God oversees everything coming into being, and because He created each one of us, He is aware of our flaws and the errors we are likely to make.  God loves His children and instilled an intrinsic value on our desires and opinions; He tries to cater to us.  And God's awesome providence is not diminished because not everything happens as planned, but His grace is amplified because He makes good come out of situations when it might not have seemed possible.

This reminds me of my former youth pastor's explanation of free will, the shoebox analogy.  Take a shoebox and poke one hole on opposite ends.  Place obstacles in the box (i.e. a puddle of water, sand, soil, a twig, etc.) and allow an ant to enter through one of the holes.  Now watch the ant try and make its way to the other end.  The ant can freely choose to take any route, left, right, straight ahead, even in circles.  Once in a while, when the ant is completely off track, you can take a stick and coax it to go in the right direction.  Eventually, the ant will reach its destination, regardless of the path it chose to take.  

I think this is an awesome perspective on God's grace and will for our lives.  There are certain events which He has predestined for us, but along the way, He caters to our desires and allows us to make our own decisions.  He oversees everything, every decision, every moment in our lives, but allows us to make mistakes, even though He foresees our mistakes.  This does not take away from His benevolence, that He allows us to fall and hurt.  On the contrary, it is a reflection of His incredible benevolence that He, who is capable of creating humans without free will, would rather grant us this privilege than have us live a fully automated and predetermined life.  This idea resonates with the title of this blog, "A Beautiful Mess."  It is comforting to know that even though I am a flawed creation doomed to make mistakes, God is able to transform this "mess" into something beautiful.  And in His infinite power and knowledge, even these mistakes ultimately contribute to the fulfillment of His will.

Teleological Argument (aka the Watch Maker Argument)

Spring 2010 is over, and summer is here!  Right on time too, since we were all pretty much at the edge of our sanity!  It's not cool that I haven't blogged in such a long time, especially since very many thoughts have been circulating my mind.  It's time to unload!  As I've mentioned in my previous post, I believe it was part of God's plan that I took Philosophy of Religion this past semester.  I've been in the midst of a crisis in faith for about a year now, and this class forced me to confront my own philosophies and perspectives about faith and religion.  It's really been an eye opening experience--and a painful and frustrating one too, at times!  Many posts to come...

Let's start off with William Paley's teleological argument...

Imagine this.  You're on an island that has never before been inhabited.  As you're exploring, you find a little machine, a watch, in the sand.  You're not sure what it is.  It might even be broken or have missing parts, and you might not know what it does or how it works.  Either way, you look inside the little device and see tiny gears and parts that somehow work together for it to properly function.  Because of this, you are able to conclude that there is intelligent design behind it, that someone must have made it.  Therefore, there must be a Watch Maker.  

Now let's apply this theory to the universe.  The universe is an extremely complex machinery, made up of very, very many smaller "machines" capable of functioning independently.  Because of this higher-order intricacy displayed by and observed throughout the universe, we are able to conclude that intelligent design is involved.  Therefore, there must be a Universe Maker.  And because the mechanisms of nature clearly surpass that of any man-made machine, it can be concluded that the Universe Maker is greater than human.

I believe that science analyzes and explains phenomena which religion only mentions.  For example, according to Genesis, God spoke and the universe was born.  Similarly, scientists hypothesize the Big Bang theory marked the beginning of the universe.  Both were sudden events with a clearly marked point of origin.  What if God's command was manifested through the Big Bang, which created the universe?  Also, according to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, nature favors chaos and disorder.  It takes a conscious, energy-requiring effort to bring order.  This is obviously true.  A glass of water always makes a mess when someone knocks it over; it is never the other way around.  This never happens in reverse, with the spill spontaneously returning into the glass.  (ha, I wish!)  Someone has to consciously clean it up and use energy to do so.  Since this is true, that nature favors chaos, a machine made up of various components could not have simply resulted from a random arrangement of parts which occurred by chance; it must be a product of intelligent design!

It's a well-known fact that I am a true nerd, to the core.  I've oohed and aahed at the mechanisms in organic chemistry, biochemical pathways, and the intricate processes of the human body.  (I've actually made a few posts about it before, here and here.)  Learning about all this, especially within the context of biochemistry and philosophy, is just absolutely mind-blowing.  Every time I learn a new pathway, a new process, I have to stop and take a few moments to truly admire the wonders of it.  It really is amazing, I can't stress that enough!  I understand that not very many people have the interest or the patience to learn about science in such great detail, but those who do cannot deny the innate intricacies of these systems.  This cannot possibly arise from chance, or  even evolution, alone.  This stuff is the focus of my career, my profession, and my greatest interest.  And because I know so very many examples of the intricacies of nature, I cannot dispute that the universe reflects intelligent design.  And for me, above anything else, this proves that my God, my Creator and Intelligent Designer, truly exists.

Gone for almost two months?!?! No bueno!

First off, happy anniversary to one of my most favorite married couples: Alejandro and Monica Guevara.  You two are such an inspiration to our generation, a shining example that it is possible to grow together through the years with the one you love and maintain a strong and healthy marriage!  Kudos on your 26th year together!


Next, I'm really oober sad that I've been away from blogging for so long.  I really enjoy, and I miss it.  Not to mention there has been sooooo much that happened between now and my last blog that I should probably be blogging about.  March and April are crazy times in the world of Mount St. Mary's College.  We're on our last stretch, with our summer in sight, but of course this is when the papers, and the conferences, and the exams, and the everything else start to pile up!


And unfortunately, I don't have the time to blog about this much tonight.  I'm feeling a little pre-sicky poo, so it's probably best to set aside my nocturnal habits (ha, it's already 1:30 am anyway) and get my 8 hours of sleep.  But I will say that it is very timely that I'm taking my philosophy of religion class this semester because as much as I loathe sitting in that class from 6 to 9 pm listening to her boring, unengaging lectures, it has expanded my views on faith and religion.  And this is mostly knowledge I've gathered from reading our textbook (since let's face it, I usually zone out in class).  More to come on that, I promise!  Very intellectually stimulating theories and such!  As for now, off to Dreamland I go!

From "Beloved," by Toni Morrison

...me and you, we got more yesterday than anybody. We need some kind of tomorrow.  [Paul D.]

Welcome, welcome to A Beautiful Mess!

As you can see, I've totally revamped my blog site--different background, different template, different tagline, different name?!?!  No instantaneous epiphanies, no blog-changing moment that made me decide to change it.  I just felt like it was time for a change.  My life experiences over the past few years have taught me to embrace change.  Change could end up to be good or bad, and depending on the situation, it can be scary too, but change is an inevitable aspect of life.

I've also made it a habit to periodically reflect on certain aspects of my life.  Am I doing well in this area?  Is this working out?  Does this still apply to me, or have I evolved since my last reflection?  Have I maintained the essence of who I am, or have I lost myself?  Is it time for change?  Self-evaluations and soul-searching have become a part of me, and I think it's a good way for me to see whether I'm evolving into the person I intend to be.  The goal is to evolve without losing the essence of who I am.

The revised title of my blog, "A Beautiful Mess," is inspired by this song by Jason Mraz.  (I actually wrote a post about it last month.)  First off, I love this song.  Also, as the tagline states, "Life doesn't always go as planned, but there is beauty and purpose to all things and all situations."  I've found this to be very true in my own life experiences.  Of course, it's horrible while I'm actually in that moment of turmoil, when I feel like everything around me is spinning out of control.  But when I  reflect on those moments, I recognize their beauty and purpose.  When the chaos has passed and I see how life unraveled from that point to the present, I begin to see why it happened, why it had to happen that way, how I reacted to the situation, and how that shaped me into the person I am now.  There is a certain serenity and inner peace that settles in.  

Two days ago, I was browsing through my blog--the name, the tagline, the background elements.  I felt like I needed a "better fit" for my life, that what once worked might not apply anymore.  It was time for change.  As I evolve, so will my thoughts, and so will my perspectives on life.  To a certain extent, the evolution of this blog serves as a reflection of my continuous evolution as a person.

NASA Scientists Plan to Approach Girl by 2018

I just had to repost this video.  It's so ridiculous, I couldn't stop laughing!  

Warning: This is an insanely nerdy, highly and unnecessarily technical take on a relatively simple, everyday kinda thing.  

Thanks to Dr. Stemp for sending me this video!  And thanks to Hulu and The Onion News Network for hosting this!

I'm proud of myself! So what?

When I receive an award or any type of recognition, 99.9% of the time, it's because I deserve it.  For those of you who know me, you know I work hard for everything I've accomplished so far.  I'm not being conceited.  That's just the plain and honest truth.  If I personally don't believe I deserve an award, I don't acknowledge it and I don't consider it an achievement.  And in my opinion, that has only happened once.  During my freshman year, I received an "Excellence in Calculus" award.  I don't ever bring that up, it's not on my resume, it's not something I felt like I deserved, and to this day, I'm still wondering how in the world I got that award.  No lie, I hate calculus--I was completely oblivious in that class!

With that said, I feel that I have the right to be proud of everything I've accomplished so far.  I'm not one to brag, and public recognitions embarrass me, to be honest.  I never know what to do and I feel like all eyes are watching me.  It's a strange feeling, and it makes me fidgety every single time.  But I do feel that internally, I have a lot to be proud of because I know none of my accomplishments came easily, especially since I've had quite a few extra hurdles I've had to jump over to get to where I am today.  I set my bar just a little bit out of reach every time, so I can challenge myself and my abilities.  Yes, I'm a nerd.  That much is true.  But to think this all comes naturally, no effort required, is completely false.  

And because of all this, I believe I have the right, once in a blue moon, to step back and say, "I've accomplished all that?  Wow, I'm amazing!"  I believe I have the right to be pleased or flattered when someone compliments me or appreciates me.  Is it wrong to be proud of myself, to be confident?  Is it wrong to enjoy my achievements?  I shouldn't have to worry about people rolling their eyes or questioning why me or thinking that I don't deserve the attention or the recognition I get.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who cause drama, those who are jealous, those who resent my success, those who aren't genuine, have a grudge, or whatever it is that's the problem, really.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who don't understand, who are trying to make things out to be more than they are, misconstruing everything, those who think everything is a competition.  I shouldn't have to worry about people who make life more difficult than it already is.  Go ahead, because I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks anyway.  Haters will keep on hating.

I love what I do, and I'm gonna keep on going.  I've been told I'm doing a pretty amazing job so far!  It doesn't really matter if anyone recognizes it or not.  At the end of the day, it matters that I'm happy with myself, with my life.  I have something to be proud of.  Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Christianity, Biochemistry, and Philosophy

These are three topics that supposedly counter each other, yet they all coexist within me.  

This realization hit me as I was reading for Philosophy of Religion.  William James argues that it is the duty of reason (aka philosophy) to strip down the mysteries of religion.  In today's world, the rift between science and faith is progressively emphasized.  Simply put, these three "ways of thinking," if you can call them that, seem like they would continually contradict one another.  But for some reason, they all come together as various aspects that make up who I am.

I'm a Christian and a biochemistry major, with a philosophy minor.  How does that even function?  I'm asking myself this, and right now I don't know the answer.  I'm a little flabbergasted at myself at the moment, to be honest.  (It's a strange feeling, lemme tell ya.)  Maybe I'm just a confused child, overall?  

Maybe philosophy and reason helps me analyze science but leads me to question faith.  

Maybe the empirical foundations of science result in a unique and awesome understanding of the truths upheld by faith, concurrently undermining the free thought that characterizes philosophy.

Maybe religion bridges the gaps that science deem inexplicable and serves as an application of contemplative and sometimes critical thought processes involved in philosophy.

I don't know the answers, but this idea really immersed me in thought just now...

Dream Diary #7

Have you ever had a dream that was going so well you almost wish you didn't have to wake up?  Well, I recently had one of those dreams, where life was unraveling exactly as I wish it would, and honestly, waking up to my complicated reality made me a little bit sad.  I think I know why I had this dream, too.  It was a fusion of wishful thinking and some movies and songs I've been thinking about recently.

It was my graduation day, and my friends and I made our way out of the stadium, ready to celebrate.  Before the ceremony, K came up to me.  I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I knew K told me he wanted to be with me, but now is not the time.  Right now, he needs time to prepare himself, to get his life together.  And then there was P, someone who was ready to love me, right here, right now.  My heart didn't have feelings for P, but I felt like he was someone I could maybe learn to love someday.  

K and P celebrate that night with a couple of my friends, and strangely, we all hang out in a car by the train tracks.  P tried to draw closer, to wrap himself around me.  I hesitated and pulled myself away.  Though I might have considered being with P, my heart clearly lies with K.  I snuggled in closer to K, and there was this new inexplicable feeling between us.  There was warmth, comfort, acceptance, and love.  In my heart, I knew K is the one I was meant to be with.  These faces were blurry in my dream.  Who knows if K and P have their counterparts in my reality?  Maybe they did.  Maybe they already do.  Maybe they will, someday...

To my surprise, my grandpa greeted me when I got home.  (In reality, my Lolo died of lung cancer in 2001.)  I had to ask him this: "Lolo, are you proud of me?"  This question transcends my dream, into my reality.  And yes, he was.  He was very proud of me.  Mama was there too, brushing my sister's hair and talking to my dad.  It's interesting how significant the seemingly mundane becomes in the absence of a loved one.  They were proud of me, Lolo and Mama.  That was a great feeling, to hear that from them.  I often have these dreams, where it seems like Mama talks to me and comforts me.  In those moments especially, I still feel her as if she was really here, as if she never left.  And in those dreams, I feel the warmth of her embrace, the warmth of her love once again.

Song of the Day: "Paano Na Kaya"

This song's been in and out of my mind for the past few weeks--partly because the movie came out recently.  I really want to see it, at some point.  But mainly just because...  And I've just had waaay too many more important things going on right now that I just had to keep pushing this away.  

It's tough, definitely... an awkward position to be in, but I throw my hands up in the air and do my best to walk away.  Some remnants may linger, but it's getting better... MUUUCH better!

Paano na kaya?  'Di sinasadya, 'di kayang magtapat ng puso ko... bakit ikaw pa?

"Paano Na Kaya," by Bugoy Drilon, with lyrics

The Dark Side

I guess power and success comes at a price.  There is an aspect of this nation that is just utterly cold and heartless.

Today, what will happen today?

This is it.  At least, that's how it feels...

Today, I'll know the answers to questions that have been churning more and more violently within my soul for the past eight years.

Today, I face the truth, of what I am, of what can and cannot be done.

Today, my options, the paths that lay before me and the paths I cannot cross, will be revealed, once and for all.

Today, I am anxious, I am terrified, I am preparing for the worst.

Today, there is a good chance I will panic, I will not be okay, I will be frustrated, I will cry.

Today, the truth will be revealed and I must accept it for what it is.

Today, my heart may soar or it may break.

Today, I must pull together our lives, my life, which slowly unraveled after she departed.

Today, I will pray, I will lift my hands high to my Father, to the One who has been with me from the beginning of my existence, the One who I will continue to be with for eternity.

Today, I learn what it truly means to die to myself.

Today, I give it all to You.

Today, I know You already know how today starts and ends.

Today, I sing, I play, I breathe, I live for You, for this is all a simple human such as myself can do.

Today Father, this is my prayer.  Bless them for being a blessing to me, bless our conversation, bless whatever outcome results.  You know the deepest, most personal, most intimate desires of my heart.  Hold me in Your comforting embrace, and grant me the divine peace that comes only from You.  Set my way before me, and never allow my fire to burn out nor my hope to diminish.  Never let me go, for in You, I fully trust, and in You lies my yesterday, today, tomorrow, and my eternity.  In the Name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray.  Amen.


Acts 16.

While studying for advanced biochemistry

I have my first advanced biochemistry exam tomorrow morning, so I'm obviously trying to study (and obviously failing).  I'm just so darn distracted and not focused at all!  Conveniently enough, my best friend called.  *puts notes down*  (yesss...)  

Halfway through the conversation:

Me: So I'm studying these biochemical pathways and they are just AMAZING!

Nathan: I literally almost hung up on you just now after you said that.

Sooo this is ME... No, really.  I literally went "WHOA" after I went over one of the pathways.  These molecular interactions are so ridiculously beautiful and perfect and amazing, I mean they're happening in our bodies RIGHT NOW without us even knowing!  Learning about all this, it's impossible for me to think organisms just "happened" organically, out of nothing, without a Creator who purposely crafted this magnificent design.  I love this stuff!  What else do you expect from a biochemistry major?  Biochemistry... yeee son!

Hug It Out!

Hugs are wonderful expressions of affection, and I think people should hug it out more often!  And hugs could mean a heck of a lot of different things, from "I love you" to "Good bye," and everything in between.  The best hugs leave a lasting impression that transcends time and convey messages and emotions that mere words simply can't express.  It could move someone to tears, end fights, or leave someone speechless.  I LOVE HUGS!  I really do, no lie.  There's just something about them that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  And no side-hugs either.  Or those hugs where there's about a foot of space in between.  Or quickie hugs.  Those don't count.  I only give those if it's physically difficult for me to give a full hug at that moment.  Or if I don't really care about the person all that much.  Or if there's something wrong and I'm just not feeling like it.  Otherwise, I think I'm a pretty good hugger!  Face to face, warm, cozy, not rushed but not absurdly long, and close enough and tight enough to squeeze just a bit and still be comfy--that's a perfect hug, I think. But definitely not tooooo close or tight enough to break ribs!  And it also very much depends on the person too.  It's got something to do with chemistry, y'know?  (And yes, I just had to say that.)  A perfect hug cannot fully be described in words--it's priceless.  What are you waiting for?  Go hug it out with someone!  It's a great way to show someone you care, a priceless expression of affection, and it's absolutely free!

From Fight Science: Sniper Keeps His Cool

As far as military stuff goes, this is the kinda stuff I'm interested in.  As shown here, a sniper is trained to shoot between heartbeats to maximize the precision of his shot.  That's crazy cool!  His statement is pretty hardcore too.

"One quiet professional at the right place, at the right time, can end wars before they start.  One shot, one kill."  [Marine scout sniper]

From Philosophy of Religion

"How can you be wrong about what you want?"  [Professor Tregenza]

A Typical Lab Whiteboard

Being the slacker that I am (...ha.), I've recently been working on my summer research applications (due by Monday?  Gah...).  I'm particularly interested in Sloan-Kettering for some reason.  (I really hope I get in.  Not gonna lie, I'd be pretty sad if I don't.)  Anywhooo, I was browsing through their current research labs to see which ones I was interested in joining and I came across this picture.  It was posted as part of the David Allis Lab webpage and I just had to stop and admire this incredibly intense scientific vomit.  (In contrast, my lab usually has this kinda stuff on our board.)  I just had to post this... Ironically, this is also a representation of the internal state of my brain and thought processes this week.

Frustrated, Lost, and Confused

I'm NOT okay.  I'm trying to apply to five or six summer research programs and the deadlines are fast approaching.  As if that wasn't hard enough for the normal science major, I have something else on my mind, a limiting factor I have to deal with.  As I've blogged about before, life is NOT fair.  It seems like everywhere I look, there's a wall closing in on me.  Everywhere I turn, there's an open door that shuts close just before I can reach it.  "No, sorry, I don't think you can."  I've been hearing and seeing versions of this for the past 9 years, but its meaning has definitely intensified through the years.  So far, this is the most frustrated and agitated I've been about this.  Just because of THIS, people turn me down, people look away, they completely disregard the 99% of me that is more than eligible, only because of that stupid 1% that I can't even do anything about at this point.  

My research mentor has been outstanding in trying to calm me down, assure me that everything will be okay, guiding me through these horrible, nervous breakdown moments.  In the three years I've known and worked for him, he's become more than just a professor or a mentor to me, but a real friend.  I really believe God caused our paths to cross for a reason.  Yesterday, I came into his office, trying to talk about viable options.  Halfway through the conversation, I told him how I felt when my GRE prep stuff came from Amazon.  I felt like someone just died.  No, wait, I felt like my dreams just died.  I feel like I'm giving up on medical school, something I've aspired to ever since I can remember.  

I entered college wanting to be a doctor, but by sophomore year, I realized I also wanted to be in research.  My friends know I like a challenge, and if there is an option that's juuust slightly more challenging, that's what I'll take.  With all that considered, I decided I want to be an MD/PhD.  So what now?  Sure, I'll work towards my PhD after undergrad, or at least that's the plan so far.  But would I still have the heart, the mind, and the strength to go back and apply for med school after all of that?  I've already warned him.  I feel like this semester will be an emotional disaster, which could quite possibly worsen throughout the rest of the year.  Lately, I've been feeling like I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack.  I could barely breathe, I can't focus, my mind is restless.  And when I look inside my soul, I see a downward spiraling whirlpool sucking everything into the darkness below.  I have so much to figure out this year, so much more than a regular science major at my level.  EVERYTHING that happens this year decides my fate for the next five years, at least.  

These programs, these institutions, I hope I can convince them to expand their realm of possibilities.  I hope I can convince them to take a chance on me, that I AM worth the trouble.

Judge me for who I am instead of what I am.

I do a lot of thinking in the shower...

...and today, you randomly came to mind.  I don't know what happened, how we just sort of drifted apart and stopped talking, really.  I mean, we used to talk everyday, multiple times a day, about anything and everything.  I guess, as usual, life just got in the way and we both became really busy.  

It seems like you still want me to be part of your life, and I know I want you to be part of my life too.  As I said in my last post, someone told me people are in your life "for a reason and a season."  Though the reasons we talked before are no longer relevant, I really hope our season isn't over yet.  It felt to me like it just begun, our friendship just begun, and there's so much more I want to know about you, so much more we could learn from each other, I think.  Don't you?  I hope you feel the same way, because I would really hate to lose someone like you.

A Reason and A Season

A good friend once told me that certain people become part of our lives "for a reason and a season."  In this particular case, I feel like she was using it as an excuse to keep herself distant from everyone, a justification to herself that it is perfectly fine to end relationships, friendships, any kind of connection, once someone has "served their purpose" in your life.  Ironically but not surprisingly, this person, who I trusted and genuinely considered my best friend, shattered my heart and broke my trust.  I should have seen it coming.  Once, she even told me how frustrated she is that people don't understand how disposable they are to her, that no matter how "close" she appears to be with someone, she could walk out of that person's life any second.  That's a sad way to look at life and relationships with those around you, in my opinion.  I mean, why even bother to make connections if you're not planning to give it your all?  Anyway, regardless of what happened to our friendship, this quote stuck to me, this saying that sort of became her mantra.  

People are part of our lives "for a reason and a season."

I understand the essence of this statement.  Yes, it's true, some people might have been essential to us, even monumental at some point in our lives, but that doesn't mean they always have to take that place of significance for the entirety of our existence.  It happens all the time.  Relationships end, friends grow apart, people end a chapter in their lives and start a new one, leaving the characters of the previous chapters behind them.  Maybe it's an ex, or a mentor, or a random person you bump into on the streets.  Everything and everyone serves a purpose.  Nothing is an accident.  Life is a very meticulously written and well-orchestrated production, where every player knows their cues by heart without ever really knowing, and the Director is the only one who sees the big picture, the vision that encompasses all of reality, from the milestones to the mundane, every single second of life that was ever lived, is being lived, and will be lived.

But this statement, as my not-so-best-friend sees it, should never be reason enough to justify using the people around you for your own benefit.  Friendships are real.  Relationships are real.  Human connection and interaction is real.  These aren't things you can just end or cut off because it is no longer useful to you.  And if you see life through these eyes, then I'm very terribly sorry for you.  I have amazing people all around me, and I can't even imagine how life would be without them.  I have two best friends and another who is not only a best friend but my one and only sister.  I cannot even begin to fathom how different life would be without them.  I can't even contemplate the act of cutting myself off from them, let alone everyone in my life.  When I build connections, I never think, "This is just temporary."  I always try to build connections that will last, bonds that are strong enough to withstand the test of time, loss of constant communication, pivotal life events, etc.  Not all these bonds survive. That's a shame, but it's the truth.  But it's all a matter of perspective.  If you start off building a connection thinking of it as a temporary means of gaining some sort of benefit for yourself, if you see a budding relationship as a disposable thing, then you're missing out on life.  You're missing out on what could very well be a great, life-changing thing, if you only allow yourself to be completely immersed into it.  Take a chance once in a while.  Give it your all or give none at all.  "Seasons of Love," a song from "Rent," really stands out to me.  Friends, family, these bonds we form all around us.  They are a measure of how we lived our lives.  These are the people who hold us together, who form who we are, who we become, who change our lives simply because they are part of it.  These people are the ones we form memories with, the ones we laugh, cry, eat, sleep, do anything and everything with.  These people journey with us through life, and as our companions in this walk, this march toward an unknown yet certain destination, they deserve to have a real, honest-to-goodness home in our hearts.  Don't be fake.  Don't use people for your benefit.  Don't form connections in order to gain something in return later on.  Form bonds, form friendships for the sheer joy of companionship, for the feeling of comfort and warmth that comes with the fact that you are not alone on this journey, and no matter what happens, there are people around you who love and care about you just as much as you love and care for them.

Would I Be Remembered

As promised, here's the other poem I stumbled upon as I was spring cleaning!


********************************
July 24, 2008


How would I be remembered?
What legacy would I leave behind?
Should people think about me,
What thoughts would come to mind?


Would the not-so-happy memories
Grow faint with the passing of time?
Or would they grow even stronger,
Much more hurtful than before?


Would the laughter and smiles
Overcome the sadness and tears?
Would I be remembered for my weaknesses?
Would I be remembered for my fears?


Would I be remembered as a woman,

As a sister, as a daughter?

Would I be remembered for my actions,

My personality, or my character?

Would I be remembered for the times I succeeded?

Or for every time I faltered?

Would I be remembered as a child
Whose eyes were bright with optimism
Who saw the future with excitement,
Marching forward, full of ambition?


Would I be remembered as a teen,
Absorbed in my soul-searching pursuits,
Who questioned everything I thought I knew
And struggled to gain the truth?


Would I be remembered as a student
Who excelled in every way,
Whose passion and thirst for understanding
Grows with each passing day?


Would I be remembered as a leader,
Paving the way for others to follow?
Or as a friend who loves, who laughs, who listens
In both in sadness and in sorrow?


Would I be remembered as a Christian,
God's ambassador to a world corrupted,
Seeking His face, spreading the faith,
Sharing His love to the broken-hearted?


How do I want to be remembered?
Would I make a difference, great or small?
Would I consider my life well-spent
When the time comes to answer God's call?
How would you remember me?
Would you remember me at all?


My life is multi-faceted.
Remember me for me.
Take my life and learn from it
Once my soul has been set free.

Spring Cleaning!

Ahh, it's about time to get rid of the clutter in my life!  I've actually been cleaning out my closet for three weekends now, and I think I'm finally done!  (Now I need to do the same to my dorm room!)  I've thrown out so much stuff I thought were worth keeping at the time but over time proved to be trash-worthy.  Doesn't that happen to everyone though?  Old receipts, random papers, user manuals to gadgets that don't even work anymore, just random little nothings that clutter your closet and your life!  Not only is my closet a heck of a lot more spacious now, but I've also found some treasures I've unknowingly hidden away.  (I actually found a check for $25 that I never cashed in, darnit!)  I've been finding these poems I write in my random moments of thought, and today, I found two more that I'd like to post.  One, I will post here, and the other, I will post separately.  Go tackle that closet, that garage, or wherever you tend to store everything.  (Lookie here!  Garage is a B away from garBage!)  Happy spring cleaning!

*******************************
July 16, 2008

Funny how the one you truly love

The one who makes your heart skip a beat

Is the same one that can do the most damage

And leave you cold out in the streets

Forever and Never

July 8, 2008

Forever doesn’t mean "for all time"

Never doesn’t mean "not ever"

Many hearts fall victim to these words

Only to cause them later to shatter

The present may be beautiful

But when present becomes past

The truth behind these words of promises

Will be proven at last

Many hearts will shatter

A lucky few will survive

But all will find it hard at first

To move on with their life

Forever and never are extreme and absolute

Chances are people will fail you

And leave you looking like a fool

Before uttering these words of promise

Check your heart once, twice, and again

And if in truth you fall short of them

Please spare her heart the pain

Love is a drug, a wonderful thing

But take care for it is two-faced

And brings with it suffering

Think before you speak and act

And do only what you truly mean

For none but He knows the future unforeseen

Once broken, twice shattered

The heart will find a way to survive

Though hurt and pain and misery

May be festering inside

Please oh please

Take care of her fragile heart

And don’t give in to his advances

Unless you’re sure he’ll play his part

Live and Let Go

It's actually a pretty awkward time to be posting these poems now.  My break-up with my ex-boyfriend was one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with, on a personal level.  (And surprisingly, complications still haunt me, even to this day... oh how the quickly the tides turn...)  I was pretty devastated.  And when I'm upset, when I'm frustrated, when I feel extreme emotions, I cry, I vent, I write.  

These three poems are products of that period in my life where I learned to realize my value as a person, as myself, as a woman deserving of the highest form of love, devotion, and respect.  I learned to accept painful truths and to soothe my pain.  I learned to see the good in every experience, distinguish the bad, and to take everything as a lesson learned.  I learned that in all things, God is sovereign, even in our pain, even in our sorrow, no matter what our circumstance is.  And I learned to recognized what I should be thankful for and however painfully and unwillingly at first, seven months later, I learned what it means to finally let go and move on with my life.  

And since then, I feel like I've grown so much as a woman and as myself, in ways that I know would not have been possible, had I stayed in the relationship.  I'm not saying that to make myself feel better.  It is what I know to be true, and it is my firm belief that since that point, God's will for my life has been unfolding at a rapid pace, with blessings and miracles abounding in ways I never could have even imagined!

Nevertheless, these poems, as with that past relationship, will forever be a part of my life.  And because of that, it belongs here, as part of my history.

***********************************************

If this is really how you want things to be, 

Then I have no choice but to set you free. 

But before you go, understand what you're losing, 

Because a love like mine doesn't come easily. 

It's a shame to give up because it's "too difficult" to save. 

Especially since it's my whole and genuine heart that I gave. 

For you, I pray for happiness and success, 

With or without me, whatever is best. 

If this is really how you want things to be, 

Thanks for the memories. You'll always be a part of me.

The Gravity of Trust

To whom trust is given, much is required. 

A trust broken may heal over time but the battle scars remain, 

A constant, indelible reminder of the pain. 

Trust must be earned, must be deserved, must be regained. 

It should be cared for and attended to, to avoid unneeded strain. 

Trust is a gift to be given and a privilege to receive. 

It must be protected at all costs and allowed to flourish. 

Should this break, there are consequences.

A still beating heart remembers all.

Final transition to the Solstice

As I was sifting through my old phone (Sync) for codes, info, and notes that I saved to transfer to my new phone (Solstice, and it's about time!), I stumbled across three "poems-in-progress," I guess you can call them.  As I've mentioned before, thoughts come to me like a stream, and once I've entered a stream of thought, it keeps flowing.  In the case of these three, I remember writing and thinking about them while walking to the bus stop and while riding the bus.  The time people spend commuting or sitting on the bus really can be productive, see!  I'll be revising, polishing, and posting the poems here, hopefully all by tonight and if not, I will, very soon!

Song of the Day: "A Beautiful Mess"

This song has been stuck in my head all day.  Just like the words in the lyrics, there's a certain peculiar vibe about this song that stirs my heart.  I feel like this actually captures the ineffable aspects my life, in a strange way.  "A Beautiful Mess," by Jason Mraz, the master of wordplay, is a song that is so beautifully and peacefully chaotic.  (Not to mention that I'm an absolute sucker for clever wordplay!)  He's a genius, that man!